My thoughts, Life & More

2010

2010-01-01T12:48:00.003+08:00

It's the New Year, year 2010.
2009 was one heck of a year but it was a damnn good one.
To all the peeps I've come to know, anyone I've hurt or offended in any way, I say this, it's a New Year. Let's leave all the shit behind us and make this year a better one. To all I've partied/goofed off with, let's do it more!

I don't think I have any resolutions this year, cept one.
I'm starting the year right. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!

2009-12-30T16:52:00.003+08:00

Know something totally absurd? TP is the ONLY school that has lessons this week. ALL OTHER SCHOOLS, and when I say all other schools, I MEAN ALL THE OTHER FUCKING SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTRY- all the other Polys, all the JCs, the Secondary schools, Primary schools. Heck, Nursery even, ARE ON HOLIDAYS.
THEY HAD TO MAKE US COME BACK TO SCHOOL THIS WEEK!
OF ALL WEEKS!
It's fucking Christmas and New Years!!!! ARGHHHHH.

OH OH OH, least we only have to go for half the day tomorrow. So that's two hours for me. BUT IT STILL SUCKS!
ARGHHHH.
Will someone rich nice fucker please sue the fucking school on the charge of idiocy? hahahaha.

unholy confessions.

2009-12-30T01:39:00.006+08:00

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to realize a lot of things.

It's funny how the people you think would never leave, leave and the people who you think you'd never talk to or see again, resurface in your life. It's funny how unintended bonds are formed instantaneously and love that lasts for a lifetime builds ever so quickly.

Would I forget the people who's left? Have I fogotten? No. Rather, they remain in my mind and every day, yes, EVERY DAY, I think about them. I wonder bout their well-being and I wonder if they'd ever come back.

Last Christmas, I was a mess and I lost myself in the New Year. This Christmas, I spent my time with three girls I absolutely love and adore in different ways; three girls I would take a bullet for. They know who they are and girls, if ya'll are reading this, you know its you. They've come to make me realize just how much I've been burying my head in the past. I've never been good with letting go of things and I've always been a fuck-up but for once, I'm screaming at myself, "JAZ! This isn't YOU! You are BETTER THAN THIS! And YOU KNOW IT! STOP doing this to yourself and STOP pushing the people away!" For once, I don't just want to change for the people I love but I want to change for me. Because I know I deserve better. Because I know that it's about time I treat myself better for that's how I've always been. I'd be nice to the whole fucking world but to me, I'd be the nastiest piece of ass. Don't ask me why, I never knew why.

I've done a lot, a lot of things- good and bad. I've seen really fucked up things. I've said really hurtful things. Like I said, I am a fuck-up. But girls, you show me a different side of me. You make me remember this person I once sort of knew...without the beast raging in me, without the anger, without the violence. I don't know if it's ever possible to find innocence again but I know, in my heart, that I've found whatever's little of that innocence, in me again.

For once, I want to stop fighting just for the sake of fighting (if anyone messes with the people I love, you know I'd kill that sonofabitch :) ). For once, I want to let go. For once, I'll put my heart out there and put myself on the line because I love ya'll. I guess I always pushed people away to see who'd love me enough to stay, you know? And for once, I'll stop pushing the people I love away and let them see the good...and the bad of me.
And to all the people I've pushed away, I am deeply sorry. I guess I'd gotten too used to carrying the weight of the world on my fucking shoulders that I forgot that I'm only human. And being human, I break, I crumble and I feel. Even though that wasn't who I was before, because I never used to feel or cry, this is who I am now. For ever hurtful word I've said, every painful thing I've done, I ask for forgiveness.

For once, I want to start the year right, on a clean slate, knowing exactly who I am and what I want.

Who I am:
-A girl, DUH!
-Definitely not straight.
-Absolutely gay. :D
-A musician.
-A math genius.
-Yes, an ass.
-Totally full of myself at times, hahaha.
-Human.

And girls, I love you.
Thank you.

back and exausted.

2009-11-09T17:40:00.000+08:00

Ipoh was gooodd. haha.
It was nice to see mommy again.
She said she'd be back this week but I spoke to her earlier and my intuition was right- she's not gonna be back yet.
Oh well. I guess I could tell myself, "I told you so."

So I'm at school now, two hours left of it before I can finally evade. Argh. lol.
Had a quiz today. Hope I do well. haha. :)

I don't really know what else to add.
Everything else is pretty much the same.

Peggy I got you the mentos, now worship me. hahaha. Kidding.
go jump for joy. lol.

Bleh.

forgotten dreams.

2009-11-04T17:31:00.004+08:00

I spent quality time with myself today. Okay wait, I do that pretty much every day considering the fact that I have the apartment to myself since my mom's not here. Today was different though. I picked up a book after what seems like a lifetime ago and things started falling into place. Funny how the simplest of acts really does it to you sometimes isn't it? Today I remembered my love for writing and reading. It's something I haven't exactly done in a while.

I reckon I've mentioned about the changes that's been going through. My lifestyle, habits, friends and company have all evolved into different, various aspects. In some ways I've let myself down, and in the same way, I've hurt the people I love.

I've been trying to pick up the pieces and mend the edges but one can only do so much when the cries and pleas are ignored. And it hurts even more to know that I've been ignored, that the people that once loved me now don't give a shit. To complicate things further (you know, because my life isn't complicated enough [SARCASM]), I still can't figure out what I did. I've been racking through my brains, through every series of events that happened, but nothing flickers. Moreover, I keep questioning but my questions lay unanswered.

Whatever I did, I beg for forgiveness. In some way, I have messed things up unknowingly, like how I always tend to do in my life. I'm not going to shout out excuses to justify my case but I will say this: I am only human therefore being human, crazy, messed up and imperfect, I tend to make one too many mistakes. Do not misunderstand my habits as a form of escape. If to escape was what I wanted, I wouldn't be fighting for this. My habits are just a part of this person I've become.

I'm far from perfect, but I hope I'm good enough. There's not a day where this evades my mind. It's always there. I may not bring it up or post it, but it's there, all the time. The love I feel will always remain and no, I don't meant this in a gay way.

The people I love, I don't replace, because they're irreplaceable- one of a kind. I may hang with a new crowd or discover new friends, but no one is replaced. The people I love, they lay in a special place in my heart unconditionally. I may say things, do things out of angst, rebellion and pure stupidity but think for a minute. Think about why I do it. I just want your attention, not in an attention seeking way but for some show of concern, of love. However stupid it may be, maybe I am stupid enough to do these things. And maybe I'm too much to put up with, or perhaps I'm not worthy enough but if any love still remains, know that I'm here, still waiting for a little love. If it's in you to show some mercy, then another chance is my plea.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. Everything that comes out, comes out wrong and I just don't know how to make things right. I'm no good at this, I'm sure you know.

You haven't been replaced.
You cannot be replaced.
Just understand that and know that I need you.
I can only hope that you still need me too.
I've stayed up crying over this so many times.
And now even, in my school library, as I type this out, I tear.
For a girl that never used to know how to cry, and still doesn't cry easily, I reckon that says a lot.

cut me loose, I can't breathe anymore

2009-11-02T16:55:00.003+08:00

So I spoke to Ryan last night, haha. He called.
And boyyyy, he really, really fucking surprised me with some of the things he said.
Ryan: "How'd you like me to pop the question?"
ME: "What question?"
HIM: "You know...marriage."
ME: "WHATTT?! You're thinking of marriage nowwww?!?! haha, you're not even here yet!"
HIM: "Yeahh, but someday you know. Would a text be good? LOL"
ME: "NOOOO, you've gotta get down on one knee and ask me. Make me feel special and pampered and lovedd."
Okay so then a lot of other things were said. hahaha.
He's SUCH AN ASSS! hahahaaha
What a fucker. hahahahaha.

That was pretty much the highlight of my day andddd talking to Rea. haha.
Could I have possibly fallen that quickly?
I haven't been serious with anyone lately well cept, you. But things have been cold.
We don't talk.
I try to talk.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of being the one that does everything all the time.
I'm just so fucking tired.

On another note, I'm still in school.
9-8 today.
I've got abouttttt 3 more hours?
haha
I will survive.
I think.

Ohh and playing card games with the gang today was totally awesome. haha.
Tuty, Qing Qing, Sali and Di. haha. :)

Though, I really just wanna go home and heh, you know what.
If you don't, ask me.
Oh what the hell, alcohol and cigs- yeahh, I'm back on them.
Rea's got me on a leash though.
haha.
Baby, I need you.

Gonna be going up to Ipoh this weekend.
Leaving here on Thursday, leaveing there on Sunday morning.
Bleh.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2009-10-30T19:01:00.004+08:00

I cried over you today.
You've been so much of a stranger lately.
You're busy, I get it.
But, we close, so close and now it just feels like I don't know you anymore.

I can't take it.
I can't take this.
It's too much.
I've told you once, that I can lose everyone in my life but you.
And you said it was the same for you too.
I meant it though.
Did you?

If I could scream everything out loud,
If I could beat everyone up,
If I could make it all go away,
I would for some peace
I would, for you to stay.

surprise surprise

2009-10-29T00:08:00.002+08:00

I am sooo exhausted from the dayyy. haha.
Gonna blog anyway though. Firstly cause I feel like it. Secondly, I haven't blogged in a long ass time! hahaha.
Soooo, lots been going on.
FINALLY heard from Maddy!
Omg, I miss you soooo fucking much babe!
Feels like forever since I last saw you.
Lunch soon kays?

In addition, I've been partying a lottt. hahaha.
So that's a lot of drinking and a wholeeee lotta smoking. :D
Don't know whyyyy I've been doing a whole lotta that.
I just feel like it I suppose. haha.
Gotta let loose or I think I'd go fucking insane. haha.
So much's happening.
I don't wanna get caught up in it.
Though, that doesn't mean I'm running away from anything.
I'm young.
I just wanna have fun.
So what if it involves me getting high and stoned ass?
I'm not hurting anyone.
So yeah.

SOOO it was Cassy's birthdayyyy today!! haha.
We TOTALLY surprised her.
Dawn and I can officially start auditioning in Hollywood. hahahaha. :D
It was awesomeee. haha :)
A bunch of us dinnered at KFC after and hung for a bit then made our way back. haha. :)

On another note, daddy called today.
My half-brother's down with H1N1.
I'm like WHAT THE FUCKKK!
Kid's like 3 years old.
Yeah, he's of the same age as Galvin.
So yeahh.
I hope I can see him soon though.
haha. :)

Got a longgggg asss dayyyy planned ahead. hahaha.
Looking forward to it though!
Fuck, I gotta wake up at 6.30am. BLEHH.

SO thattt meanssss, I gotta crash!
haha.

Good night world.

done.

2009-10-23T03:44:00.003+08:00

Two different worlds, two different people, two seperate lives.

How can two so different fit into one and live in a tie?

I suppose now I'd never know the answer to that question.

You think it can never happen,

I think, nothing's ever impossible.

What's been said and done, on my side at least,

I never got to hear your side of the story,

I never will know how you really feel

Though, it's kinda obvious right?

Yeah, I'm finally getting it.

You played hot and cold with me time and time,

Some days were great and the others not worth a dime,

Though I'd say, you were worth my time,

Because to me, you really was worth more than a dime.

Guess I'll let go now, that's what you want innit?

I'd move on, party and drink whiskey,

Maybe I'd finally meet someone who'd get me.

Am I that hard to understand really?

Fuck this shit, fuck that mess,

My life's already complicated enough without this hanging outta my ass.

But a friend you would always be,

That's how we started and perhaps that how we'd only be.

No hard feelings though, though yes, I'm a little pissed.

But heck, I'd cool down, I don't reckon I'd ever wanna speak bout this.

We could hang, jam, drink and maybe club.

But we gotta wait till you're old enough.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. :P

I just HAD to be an ass.

I just got home from partying with Peggy. haha. :)
There was this girl in the club who was pissed ass drunkkkkkk.
hahahaha.
She fell flat on her ass and face AT LEAST five times.
I lost count after that. hahahaha.
Told her friend to give her lemon or something.
She said the drunk girl didn't want any.
Oh well.
hahahaha.

Partying again tomorrow.
It's my way of loosening up and letting go of all the stress. haha :D

Ohh, so school was like 9-6 today but the lecturer let us off at 5. Awesome or whattt. hahaha. :D
Bumped into Cynthia while walking back.
That woman FORCED me to sing.
And so I did, a little sample so she'd finally stop bugging me. hahahaa.

My weekend has officially started.
I sooo loveeee that I don't have school on Tuesdays and Fridays. :D
Like okay, the other three days ARE A BITCH cause they're longggg and I end late.
BUTTTTT, it's like I go to school only three days a week, and I've got four days off! :D

Why'd you have to fall for me?
I told you NOT TO and you told me the same thing.
YOU KNOW about Ryan, you heard me babbling on and on and on about him.
Yet, last night, here, you made a move on me.
Why my new guy best friend.
WHYYYY?
I don't wanna hurt you.
But I'm not going to choose you.
You know how I feel about him.

And my dear Ryan, it's retarded how I bother blogging about you when you don't KNOW my blog address.
I guess, it's just to babble. hahahaha.
But yes, GET YOU GET YOUR BOSS TO GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE QUICK!?
I want the pizza and beer with you. hahaha. :D

I look at EVERY guy and I want none of them.
None but you.
See, I told you I could wait.
hahahaha.

It just struck me that if Ryan were to google my name, my blog address would appear.
So, there's a 50% chance that he MAY know my blog address.
He doesn't know I blog though, I think.
OH YA! His internet in cancelled! :D hahahahahaha.

Peggy, next time we go partying and IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US, please don't wear shoes that'll kill your feet can?
I wanna dance till we get chased out. :D
Or at least till the music stops. haha.

Aightttt, it's like 4am.
Give it two more hours and I would've been up and active for the past 24 hours.
hahahaha.
I'm gonna sleep.

OHH, I'm gonna cook spaghetti tomorrowwww. :)
For Peggy and myself.
I hate eating alone at home.
It's bad enough it's empty.

Maddy, I'm still here.

And I'd say one thing though, to you.
You said you didn't wanna hurt me.
All this time, I have been hurting.
I just never showed it.
I guess things are better this way.
Wish you could talk to me straight in the face though.
If you're worried I'd breakdown, chill, I'm stronger than that, I'm tough. :)

it's not supposed to be this way.

2009-10-20T19:24:00.004+08:00

The other night was sooo bloody fucking frustrating. LOL.
I went to bed by midnight, wanting to be fresh in the morning for school.
I woke up at about 3ish and I couldn't go back to sleep.
Fucking frustratinggggg. hahaha.
I literally stayed in bed and forced myself to sleep but came to no avail.
PSHTTTT.

First day of school was pretty aighttt.
hahaha.
I had ice-cream three times yesterday. OMGGG!
hahahaha.
First was in school.
Second was while I was walking home- Macflurry. :)
Third was at Gelare when I met up with Peggy and Wendy.
OMGGGG.
hahahahaha.
I have to stop this addiction, seriously.
I think I'd rather smoke more. lol
ARGHHH.

I don't know what's up with you.
I keep trying to contact you and there's no response whatsoever.
What'd I do this time?
What did I do at all?
Am I not there enough?
WHATTT IS ITTTT?!
It's driving me nuts seriously.
Like, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!

Anyway....
school's 8-7 tomorrow.
Got a break from 12-6 though.
I know, what the fuck right?
hahahaha.
Gonna be meeting up with Peggy at town.
She wants to check some stuff out so yeahhhh.

I'm gonna go now.
Gonna clean up.
I think I'm really gonna tire myself out tonight.
Peggy, you know what I mean.
hahahahaha.
Least, I'd prolly sleep like a baby right?
No waking up in the middle of the night.
hahahahahahaha.

Fuck, Ryan, HURRYYYYYYYY!

i.will.survive. :)

2009-10-18T22:45:00.002+08:00

OMGGG SCHOOL TOMORROWWW! Hahahaha.

Mommy and I stayed over Aunty's place yesterday, in JB. haha.
My cousin's wife and her kids went there too.
We had a little drinking session.
Went to sleep at about what? 2?
hahaha.
And I didn't sleep all night the day before.
More than 24hours awake.
SHIOKKK.

Then Aunty woke up super early to cook.
I was the last one to wake up.
hahahaha.
When I finally did, it was about noon, I THINK.
hahahaha.

Bleh.
SCHOOL TOMORROWWWWW!!!
and MOMMY'S GONEEEEEEEEEEE!
from the apartment at least.
Her coach is on Monday night, she's currently at Aunty's place.

Aight, don't really feel like blogging but I HAD to whine about school opening so yeah.
hahahaha.

9-8 tomorrow.
OMG.
I WILL SURVIVEEE!
hahaha.
And I'll look forward to no school on Tuesday :D
Dingdong, don't curse at me.

new clothess finally! hahaha. :D

2009-10-16T04:49:00.004+08:00

Been thinking about how I would begin tonight's entry.
Figured I'd start with yesterday's series of events.

So I was supposed to work the 5-11 shift but I ditched cause mommy, aunty and I were gonna go see maddy's mom. Mommy told me she and aunty could find their way but it just didn't feel right.
Ohhh pluss, in the end she was soooo supportive to me ditching work. If only she reacted the same way towards school eh? hahahaha
Anyway, I wanted to see them all- maddy, her mom and her dad.
The space was still there between us.
I don't even know what I did wrong.
I've been talking to a lot of people about it.
I just don't know what to do about it anymore.
So I'm gonna do nothing.
Just in case I mess things up further.
Don't even know what I did in the first place.

So thennn, we came back here and mommy, aunty and uncle drove in to JB.
I met up with Peggy and accompanied her to dinner cause she was hungry.
Then we went on with the night's schedule cept that we switched clubs.
See, we were gonna go to Butterfactory but the queue was just insane so we switched to Rebel.
Good night though.
Planned to stay till 2.15am (I wanted to stay till the club closed but oh well, Ron and I negotiated. hahaha) but uh, Peggy got a little wasted.
WOMAN YOU DID! hahahahahaha.
Soooo she went back to Ron's place.
This guy Jason that was with us met up with some friends I think.
And I went to meet an old friend.
Douglas.
heh.
Got a free ride home :D
hahahahahaha.
Came back, showered, crashed. hahaha. :)

Woke up at almost 3pm today.
And I didn't go to work again.
Spent the day with mommy.
After all, all I got left with her is till this Saturday. So yeah.
God knows how long it'll be till I see her next.
She says she'll come back every month.
That's what SHE says.
I honestly doubt it but we'll see.

Brother dropped the little love of my life over. hahaha.
Galvin.
The three of us went to Orchard.
Mommy wanted to get me something so I figured the sneaker boots but I couldn't find the damn shop!
So instead she bought me some stuff from Cotton On and Forever 21. :D
YEAHHH BABYY! LOL.

Ohh, and the timetable for next semester's out. :D
I don't have school on Tuesday and Friday! :D
But but but, the rest of the days are pretty wacked.
It's aight, hahahahaha, the two off days make up for it I guess.

Omg, it's 5am and mommy's waking me up at 9.30am later.
I'm gonna help her cook! hahahaha. :D

Ohh, and I spoke to Ryan today. :)
God, I hope he comes soon.
I need him.

And you, I need you too.
Take some time, clear the thoughts in your head.
I understand what you're going through.
Word of advice though, don't merge everything together.
Keep them seperate.
That's how I do it.
Otherwise, I think I'd be dead.
Hope you know what I mean though.
Hope everything's okay.

And maddy, take care of yourself.
I don't know what's the problem and I can't figure it out.
Okay, I have a hunch but I don't know.
It's crazy.
But yeah, I'm always here for you.
Please stop being so cold towards me.
I may not be there physically 24/7 but I'm here always.
One call or text away.
That's all you gotta do, call or text and YOU KNOW I'd come running on bare feet if I have to.
Sigh.

And mommy's leaving monday night.
I'd come back on Sunday, by evening.
I'm gonna be a mess.
All I can hope for is to not be alone.
I hate it when she comes cause she's always gonna have to leave.

5.04am.
I should sleep.
I'll try.
haha.
Good night.

fineeee i'll sleep nowwww. hahahaha

2009-10-14T06:24:00.002+08:00

Stole this from CPR's bloggg cause I'm just tooo stubborn to sleep. hahahahaha.
Bold what I am.
Fine, I'll sleep after this.
HAHAHA

01. You’re currently confused about someone’s feelings for you.
02. You have been in a serious relationship before.
03. You own an iPod of some sort. [it's dead though. :(]
04. You do not like your sibling’s girlfriend/boyfriend.
05. You drink too much alcohol. [sometimes, and I used to? lesser now.]
06. You have been to the Olive Garden.
07. You have taken medicine of some sort this week.
08. It is really cold in your house right now. [heh, air-con in room]
09. You are extremely dependent on others.
10. You do not like to express your feelings in front of others.
11. You ate a lot of food today. [uh huh, A LOT of ice-cream. hahaha]
12. It doesn’t take much for you to cry.
13. People consider you a sappy sort of person.
14. Someone in your family is rich. [cousin count? heh]
15. You have been to Disney World or Disneyland before.
16. You hate when people constantly talk about themselves.
17. You are a good listener, but you hate complainers. [sometimes.haha]
18. Someone has called you for a serious medical emergency before.
19. You have had a serious surgery.
20. Your house has a spare bedroom.
21. Your house is old.
22. You have at least one cousin under the age of three.
23. You have never held a baby before.
24. You can’t handle toddlers.
25. You have a painting in your room.
26. You have been to Canada.
27. You have been to Mexico.
28. You love cherry flavored lollipops.
29. You celebrate Easter.
30. You observe Lent.
31. You are Catholic.
32. You do not believe in God.
33. Religion is not important to you.
34. You want to have a small family one day. [well, not that small. but two kids would be MORE than enough. hahahaha]
35. You would rather have more sons than daughters.
36. You have more aunts than uncles.
37. You hate being too cold.
38. You currently are way more tan than everyone else.
39. You wear shoes in your house. [sometimes. when I forget something.]
40. Your parents are clean freaks.
41. You are more messy than clean.
42. You are currently angry at someone.
43. Patience is so not a virtue to you.
44. Your desk is extremely clean.
45. Your bed sheets are either blue, green, black, or white. [currently blue and yellow.]
46. When you hear “black & white” it reminds you of Katy Perry’s ‘Hot n Cold’ song.
47. You have no clue what that song is.
48. You think rap artists are completely pathetic.
49. You are glad George Bush will be [is] out of office.
50. Politics are boring to you.
51. You take a vitamin daily.
52. You feel like you are sick often.
53. You hate throwing up.
54. You think it’s gross when people set food down on their desk at school with no napkin.
55. You also find it gross that people sit on top of desks.
56. You are now cringing at the thought of someone’s food where someone’s ass was.
57. You love getting bubble baths.
58. You do not like chocolate at all.
59. You are allergic to nuts.
60. You have been stung by a bee before.
61. You have been to the emergency room before for something.
62. One of your parents is 50 or older.
63. You are the baby of your immediate family.
64. You hate broccoli.
65. Cooked carrots are good, though.
66. You go on tumblr too much.
67. You are really comfortable right now.
68. You like witty t-shirts.
69. You are a major fan of underground bands.
70. You have been on an airplane before.
71. You are not afraid of heights.
73. You have had a panic attack before.
74. The thought of being old and alone bothers you.
75. You would choose the elderly over children.
76. You feel like you’re living in the wrong decade. [at times. hahaha]
77. You have smoked weed before. [SHHHH!]
78. You think it’s way too cold outside right now.
79. You love the thought of sleeping in tomorrow morning.
80. You would rather go to bed early and get up early.
81. You feel like the early bird catches the worm.
82. You are a big breakfast eater.
83. You are currently suffering from the common cold.
84. You are craving something salty.
85. You have been in a car today.
86. There is something plugged in near you.
87. You have heard of the TV show “Private Practice.”
88. You do not like medical television shows.
89. You prefer horror to comedies.
90. You adore Leo & Kate.
91. You think high-waisted pants look good.
92. You hate cheesy movies.
93. You enjoy camping out.
94. Bugs don’t bother you.
95. You do well in school without trying. [secondary school! hahahahaha]
96. You are extremely jealous of someone currently.
97. You feel like you have changed a lot from 08-09.
98. You like energy drinks.
99. You like italics.
100. You know the entire script of Mean Girls.

a new closeness formed, a new bond made.

2009-10-14T05:50:00.003+08:00

I just got back.
Yes, at 5.50am.
No, I didn't go clubbing.
That's later tonight.
hahaha.

Hung out with Firdaus after work today.
First, after closing, I HAD ICE-CREAM!
And it was A LOT ah.
Like a fucking buffet.
Shared with Atiqah at first.
THENNNN, MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I practically had everything else.
Oh, and did I mention that I had three cups of ice-cream before work today?
OMGGGGG!
HAHAHAHAHA.

So then after all that, we left- a bunch of us.
Firdaus and I walked Wati home.
Initially, he was gonna walk me home but I felt like going for a walk so he joined me.
So then we walked to this open road area near Christ Church Secondary and hung out there till 3ish.
Then he didn't like the idea of me walking home alone so he walked me back.
And he wanted to wait for the first bus.
So I came back for a bit to shower as he waited at the staircase area.
Told him to come in but he was afraid my mom would be outraged or something.
Told him it would be a big deal to her though, she's pretty cool with friends coming over.
But, he insisted. haha
So yeah, he waited outside. I showered and went back out.
Then we hung out till like 5.45am. hahaha.
Shiokkkkk.

It was fun though.
A new closeness formed, a new bond made.
Funny how he was the boy I bullied/whacked/played with while I was in Evergreen and I never really knew much about him.
Funny how one night changed all that.
Like we talked about everything.
EVERYTHING.
hahahaha.
He's the third person now to tell me this.
"Don't be so harsh on yourself."
Ohh, and, "Looking at all your problems and all you went through, all of mine seem so small."
Ah well, my motto to shit is, "Fuck it, don't let it fuck you."
MUHAHAHAHAAHA!

So work today was fucking insane at first. hahaha.
Okay, not really, a little.
When I stepped in at five, I was told that there were people from headquaters.
Then, my manager assigned me to Station 1, 2, and hosting.
SHIOKKK!
hahahahaha.
The best part: I knew 3 people seated at station 1 itself.
All within tables 1-4.
Fucking insane.
Table 1: Ex band teacher.
Table 2: Ex secondary schoolmate.
Table 4: The most epic. Parish priest. Father Terence.
He was the FIRST person I saw.
I was like, "WHAT THE FUCKKKK!"
Of course I didn't say it out though.
hahahahaha.

So that was workkk, and after work.
Today I'm gonna drop by Maddy's.
Then I'm going to work.
Then I'm meeting Peggy and after that, we're going clubbing.
heh.
:)

I need to let looseeee.
Seriously, two shots, I get on the dance floor and for a while at least, everything goes away.
Everone needs a breather.
There's no such thing as there not being time to take one.
If there's not time, FIND IT.
You need it.
You deserve it.

Kay it's 6.08am.
I INTEND on waking up by noon.
I'm gonna crashhhhhhh.

OHHH, called daddy and wished him today.
Gonna meet him on either the 23rd or 26th.
:)

happy birthday daddy.

2009-10-13T02:40:00.003+08:00

Father.
I have one.
Every child has one.
A dad?
Not every child does.
Because some dads just aren't around and some just don't care.

My father has one of the most brilliant minds I know.
He is talented in more ways than one.
Talents which he passed onto me as well.
He's got a charm that would probably woo just about anyone.
Anyone but me because I know that charm,
It's another of those talents he passed on to me.

He's the only man I've ever cried for.
A father is what most daughters long for.
Most mothers don't get their daughters the way the fathers do.
It's a special bond between fathers and daughters, and if you have a father, I'm sure you share that too.

My father was strayed by the age of twelve,
He did drinking, gambling, smoking and drugs,
He conned every person he knew he could,
Money was all he was after, for them drugs to soothe.

Yeah, he's not perfect.
He's far from it.
But he's my dad, and he always will be.
In more ways than one, I am mostly like him,
Though I'm glad to say my path isn't very much like his.

I love it when I do meet him,
My heart aches when he has to leave.
And as he does, both our hearts start to crumble,
And my head's screaming, "Daddy don't leave me!"

Today, however, is a day unlike any other,
It's a day he grows another year older.
Knowing he has little time left really bothers me,
I've just gotten to know him and now he would have to leave.

Daddy, I love you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

the whole world may forsake you.
your sisters and brothers may hate and abandon you.
but I would never leave you daddy.
I love you.
I need you.
I just wish I could tell you.

So much is going on with me.
Good and bad, I need you here with me.
I wanna know what you'd say when you've come to know of these things.
Promise me though, that you'd never tell mommy,
You know she'd kill me.
I'm sure that's quite literally.

I want to see you soon.
I've accepted every way you are, the good and the bad.
Your other family? You know I'm way past that.
I just need you, really that bad.

Make up for all those times you weren't here to guide me.
When you were so high on drugs or fighting with mommy.
You know she almost ended her life because of you.
You know it was more than once
You know this is true.

My childhood wasn't exactly what other kids had.
Mine was traumatic, with full of violence, hatred and I was sad.
I never felt in all those years of growing up
And for a while I hated all of you for really fucking me up.

I'm still a little messed up,
My past comes back to haunt me some nights and that really sucks
I get through it though and mostly I feel alone
I guess it was because I had no one to hold me, save me from this reality show.

It's not a show though, it was reality.
It was my life, and I lived through it.
I guess you could say I'm still a little fucked up
But fuck it, you ain't so perfect yourself, so shut the fuck up.

OMG, an entire rap is going on in my head.
HAHAHA
I feel like eminem all of a sudden.
I'll stop here.
Happy Birthday Daddy.
I love you.
Many many. :)

missing you.

2009-10-12T13:46:00.003+08:00

As a child, I used to recite this prayer and till today, the words remain intact in my mind; a prayer encrypted to my soul.
However, I never knew its true meaning until about two days ago when I watched a movie with my mom and uncle.
And the meaning touched me so, so much. haha.
:)

Two nights ago, mommy, uncle and I dinnered at Jack's Place. haha.
I can't remember the last time we went to dinner together.
haha.
It was nice.
:)

Worked 6-11 yesterday. haha.
Then a few of us went to Macs.
I got ice-cream! :D hahahahaha.

Shit I feel like having ice-cream now.
Nevermind!
I shall finish my chicken rice, then I shall persuade mommy to give me money to go down and purchase some ice-cream! :D
I'll get a tub! hahahahaha

Galvin's running around in my room. hahahaha.
OHH, daddy called me today! :)
Said he'd prolly be able to meet me next week :D
I miss him.
haha

RYAN ALEXANDER MADDISON!
WHEN ARE YOU COMING?!?!?! hahahaha.
I MISS YOU!
actually, I miss a lot of people
Maddy.
Leo.
Juelz.
Ayu.
DADDY! :)

Oh, oh, mommy, aunty and I were doing a little planning of my 21st birthday party.
Mommy said there can't be drinks cause daddy's side will be here and they don't drink.
So she's like, "We're not going to offer drinks. Drink after that."
PSHTTT!
hahahahaha.

Oh well, the planning is still ongoing.

Aight, I'm gonna do some grocery shopping now.
ICE-CREAM!!!! :D :D :D

mother-daughter time. :)

2009-10-10T01:37:00.004+08:00

Was talking to mommy for like an hour or so earlier. haha.
She couldn't sleep.
Omgggg, we're gonna go watch a HINDI movie tomorrow.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Things I do for her...LOL.
Thennn after that, her, uncle and I are gonna be dinnering at Jack's Place.
Awesomeness. :)

She wants to meet my dad.
For one last time.
For an explanation to everything.
I'm gonna let her have it.
If that's what she needs, then okay.
But if this continues, and he comes back, then I'm gone.
I don't want history repeating itself.

Worked 1-10 today.
My muscles are aching now.
Usually it doesn't, even after a full shift.
Maybe it's because of all the dancing last night.
And all the heavy stuff I carried throughout the day.
AND INSUFFICIENT REST AND SLEEP! YES!
Bleh. hahahaha.

One of my colleagues said I looked different today.
Funny thing though, I didn't change a thing.
At all.
Maybe I'm glowing?
hahahahaha.
Or maybe I'm just bloody happy that mommy's back.
Shit, I'm gonna be a mess when she leaves.
Nevermind, I shant think about that right now.
I'll just enjoy our time together. haha. :)

OH OH OH, I was a very, very, very, VERY happy girl at work today.
There was a wrong order.
Rizal made Cookie Summit instead of Nutty Mighty.
Know what cookie summit is?
Well, it basically comprises of cookies and cream.
COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAMM!!! :D hahahhaha
SO yeah.
I was sharing it with my manager at first but after having a little of it, he was full and I GOT THE REST!
MUHAHAHAHAHA!

OH, and I was a very good girl too!
I only had ice-cream ONCE today!
:D hahahahaha.
I told my mom about my ice-cream addiction and she just shook her head.
hahahahahaha.

Omg, I'm so tired and sleepy.
I really really need a massage.
Ryan.
Come faster, please.
I need your hugging, touching and kissing.
That sounds fucking wrong. HAHAHAHAHA.
I don't mean it THAT way.
I mean it in a I miss him way.
Funny, why do I miss him so much? LOL.
He brightens up my day.
Really, he does.
haha
I feel like killing his boss now.
hahahahaha.

OH OH OH! Hahahahaha!
Earlier in the day, when I was with my mom in the kitchen while she wiped the stove and talked to me, she pointed at the JD box and went like, "Is there still any left?"
ME: "Got. Very, very little. But got. :D"
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

We're thinking of making my 21st a home kinda thing.
Few relatives, and the rest, my loves. haha.
Well, the party can do down in the club maybe.
There'll be lotza alcohol there, and dancing too.
Somewhere inbetween, I'll get the tattoo done.
And somewhere in there, the trip!
hahahahaha.
We'll see.

realization

2009-10-09T04:09:00.003+08:00

I just got back.
Visited Play (the club) today, but we left after a while and went to Double O.
Wanted to go to Rebel but it was closed tonight, so yeah.
And Zirca had a private party.
It was Lesbian Night at Play though, hahahaha.
We went in early, so we could get in free.
But we were TOO early and no one was dancing.
So we decided to ditch.

Okay, going to Play, I realized something really important and distinctive and I told this to Peggy too.
ME: "I just realized how I really cannot make it as a butch after looking at all these people."
PEGGY: "Yeap! You are girly, you know."
hahahaha.
Discover something deeper, if not new, about yourself everyday yeah? hahaha.
Like tonight, I wanted to trying going all butch, especially with my new hairdo.
Stepping in to the club, I realized just how much of a girl I really am. hahahaha.
Like okay, I may not be the girliest of girls, but I am girly, but at the same time I'm tough.
Living my life, it's either be tough or die.
Seriously.
hahahaha.
Oh well.
I love myself. :)

OH OH! Peggy did say that she felt like she was talking to a hot guy when we just met though. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

So we danced in Double O till we sweattttttt. haha.
After bout an hour or so, Peggy, Ron (her friend) and I went out for a break.
Smoked. duh. haha.
He didn't. He doesn't. Good boy eh? HAHAHAHA.
Thennnn I went back in, ALONE, cause they were just tired and inside, it was just too hot for them.
I didn't care if it was hot; I just wanted to let loose, dance, and just forget about EVERYTHING for a while.
And that was exactly what I did.
I went back in, stepped into an altogether different universe and just danced. haha.
Though, two guys started dancing with me.
One, started grinding me from behind, but I couldn't really care less.
I was in another world.
I didn't even realize he was grinding me till he went away. HAHAHA.

Then, earlier in the night, one girl was apparently interested in me but I was just too stupid to realize. HAHA.
Didn't know until Peggy mentioned it when we went to smoke.
SHE: "You ah! Girl wanna grind with you and you still don't know."
ME: "Whattt laaaaa! I idiot can?"
hahahahaha.

Know what though, there's only ONE guy I want.
And Ryan Alexander Maddison, it's you.
I guess you had me falling from four years ago.
And even though we lost contact, after all these time, the feelings just don't go away do they?
Thankfully, it's mutual. hahahaha. :)

AND!
There's only one girl I want.
You know who you are.
Even if I had known the girl wanted to grind me, I don't reckon I would've done anything else different.
I'd rather you grind me can? hahaha.
Thought of calling you tonight but I knew you'd be freaking irritated of not being able to club, so yeah.
hahaha.
And girl, I need you.
Okay?
So stop feeling un-needed.
Don't know what to feel?
Babe, feelings are supposed to be based with the heart, not mind.
Don't think so much.

Mommy should be back soon.
She took the 11pm bus.
It's 4.23am, as I type this entry, and await her return.
God, please, PLEASE, no fights.
I dread them.
They're very tiring.
I've been angry all my life and I don't wanna live with hatred, anger and pain no more.
Though sometimes, there's just no escaping it is there?

Gonna go to Maddy's on Saturday.
I wanna see her mom.
I think mommy may come along too.
Heh, I don't know.

It's time to get my priorities right.
School's gonna resume in about a week's time.
I wanna do better.
I haven't been at my best.
Tuty, I'm gonna need your help with this aight?
Lets be nerds next semester.
LOL.
But yeah, I wanna bring my GPA back up!
It's time to revive it.

Will all that said, I am still gonna party.
Clubbing lets me let loose.
Though, I gotta have a shot or two first.
haha.
:D

Aight, I'm gonna call it a night.
Working 1-10 tomorrow.
Didn't go work today, though I was supposed to.
Hopefully I don't get in trouble.
hahahaha.

Oh, oh, I've got another song lyric to share tonight.
Leo, I think this song applies to you and Edwin too. :)
And babe, I know how 7 days can seem like a long time, but it'll pass okay.
Though, I know what you're feeling right now.
I know how that emptiness feels.
It's something I feel too. :)
You got me though, okay?
I'm only a call away, 24/7, anyday, anytime.

Natalie Imbruglia- Counting Down The Days.
You were right
And I don't wanna be here
If your gonna be there
Was that supposed to happen

I'll hold tight
I'll remember to smile
Though it has been a while
And without you does it matter

There's no room
No place to start
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I'm counting down the days

How've you been
It's just the usual here
And days are feeling like years
And every day's without you

Now I cry
Just a little too much
When I think of your touch
And everything about you

I feel cold
I'm in the dark
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I'm counting down the days

I'm counting down the days
I'm counting down the days

I'm gonna be your surprise
I'm gonna hold you so tight

Yeah I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I'd hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I'd hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
A million miles away from here

tips tips tips. :) :) :)

2009-10-07T22:49:00.006+08:00

I TOTALLY LOVED WORK TODAY! HAHAHAHAHA!
Okay, firsttt, Miss Melissa, my secondary school Malay teacher dined in.
She gave me PERSONAL tips of $4.
Then after that there were these three Indian men and they gave me personal tips of $5.
Thennn, there was this white couple.
They gave me $2 and some coins which equated to $3plus plus.
HAHAHAHA!
I GOT $11 of PERSONAL tips altogether!!! I put the coins in the tip box though to share with the rest. BUT THAT WAS STILL AWESOMEEE!

Ayu, this remains between you and me only!!! HAHAHAHA.

So came back and checked my e-mail, there was one from Ryan.
The idiot still isn't here yet.
His project here got delayed.
I SOOO WANNA FUCKING KILL HIS BOSS!
But but, in a way, I'm kinda glad?
My hairstyle looks like a guy now ah. hahahahaha.
Not saying I don't love it, I do.
But but but, will he? HAHAHAHA.
Like some people say I look sexy with this hairdo.
Some say I look cute.
And some say I look like a little boy. HAHAHAHA!
SO YEAHHH!
I can't wait to see him though.
I'm still counting down the days.
Poor boy was sooo excited to come here, he disconnected everything- tv, internet, phone, etc, etc.
In the end, he was delayed there.
hahaha.

I'm gonna be meeting Peggy tomorrow after hanging with Rizal, Khai and Ayu.
She may be joining us, I don't know.
I won't be going back tomorrow night.
We're going to Play.
Heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.
I'll be good though, I promise. HAHAHA.
It'll be good to be hanging with Peggy though.
Like, I can't remember the last time just the two of us hung out.
heh.
BLEH.

Mom's gonna be back the day after.
Which means it's last minute cleaning time.
HAHA!

Omg, okay, I am such a fucking pig ah.
You know I ate like FOUR scoops of ice-cream at work today?!?!?! HAHAHA!
Thank God Swensens ice-cream are low in fat, otherwise righttt. hahahaha.
I seriously need to cut down on ice-cream.
Like, seriously.
Otherwise right, omggg. hahahaha.
I'd come to eating ONE TUB A DAY!
That's not goooddd!
hahahahaha.

I know! I'll replace something with ice-cream else.
DO NOT EVEN THINK VEGETABLES!
Hmmm, I could deal with bananas though.
That's one fruit I loveeee.
No wonder I'm such a monkey.
HAHA!

Went home to Maddy's last night.
:)
I called her after meeting Uncle and was like, "I don't know where to goooooo!!"
She's like, "You choose ah."
I'm like, "I CHOOSE YOU!" HAHAHA!
:) :) :) :) :)

Ohh Uncle and I watched Surrogates yesterday.
Fucking cool movieeeee. :)

I'm thinking of heading back to the gym.
Or start swimming again.
SEETEE RAINBOWWWW I NEED MY GOOGLESSS BACKKK!
haha.
I miss you seh babe.
And Tuty.
And GERMANY!
Omg, I totally miss touch.
And soccer. :S
My stupid stupid knee.

You know, sometimes I think, "Fuck my stupid knee problem," and just play.
But, one fall.
One injury.
And it'll be gone.
And then I'll be gone cause my mom would kill me.
haha.

I miss sports though.
A lot.
Because of this, I can't do Muay Thai.
I've been wanting to do it for soooo long.
It's the only way I can fight without getting in trouble with the cops.
heh heh heh.
I really do miss the fighting scene.
I should get in a fight soon, just to see if I still have it.
HAHAHA!

Aighttttttt.
Working 11-6 tomorrowww.
HAH!
Gotta sleeppppppp.
Or I'dd dieeeeeee.
hahaha.

love will keep you up all night

2009-10-06T16:38:00.002+08:00

Worked 1-11 yesterday. HAHAHAHAHA.
SHIOKKK!
Off today! (Ryan SHOULD be here by today! i think. hahaha)
Tomorrow's shift's 11-9. Supposed to get off at 5 but oh well.
haha.
:)

Anywho, I'm meeting Uncle later. haha.
I think he wants to watch a movie, and I don't mind.
Then I reckon I'll go back home to Maddy's! :)

Oh, I slept at like 7 this morning. hahahaha.
Initially woke up at about 3.05pm and we all know what happened.
Woke up at 4, when Leo called.
Then mommy called. hahaha.
Told her about my shift last night and she was like, "Wah so long...."
ME: "Nah, don't worry. Time passes by quickly. :)"
Then she told me to eat something cause I haven't eaten for more than 12 hours? hahaha.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is all worth it. :S
The words spoken are very much similar to the words I've heard before.
Am I that hard to look after really?
I know I'm strong, but even Superman has kryptonite.

On another note, mommy's coming back on Friday or Saturday morning.
She can't decide if she's gonna take the Thursday night coach or the one on Friday night.
Either way though, mommy, uncle and I are going to dinner on Saturday! :D
Took off specially for her. haha. :)
I'm gonna bug uncle to go Jack's Place! :D :D :D :D :D MUAHAAHAHAHAA!
Okay, okay, it doesn't have to be Jack's Place. hahaha. :)
BUT!
okay okay okay okayokay. hahahaha.

Was doing a MASSIVE download of Backstreet Boys music last night. :)
Okay, I know I don't usually post lyrics, but this song really just touches me, in more ways than one.
So here:

Backstreet Boys- Love Will Keep You Up All Night
I won't tell nobody
I'll just scream it in my mind
Nothing good in life is scripted
It's not like we predicted
That the one you wantIs gonna be the one you thought

I won't tell nobody
But I won't live like a prisoner
Nothing has to be so perfect
Can you tell me was it worth it
Because her heart can't lie
And even though her face may try
Love can keep you up all night

Cause love will keep you up all night
It's not something you can decide
One day you're all alone
The next you're crying on the phone
Love will keep you up all night
You got a taste of sweet divine
It took you to the other side
Love will keep you up all night

If I don't tell a living soul
Still everyone would know
Yes they would
It's always three am somewhere
You know it when you get there
Some people try to cover it up
Some people think it's never enough (never enough)

Cause love will keep you up all night
It's not something you can decide
One day you're all alone
The next you're crying on the phone
Love will keep you up all night
You got a taste of sweet divine
It took you to the other side
Love will keep you up all night

I don't mean to scare you
But everybody has a first time
One day when you're old and gray
Don't look back and never say
You should have tried
Stayed up all night

Love will keep you up all night
It's not something you can decide
One day you're all alone
The next you're crying on the phone
Love will keep you up all night
You got a taste of sweet divine
It took you to the other side
To the other side

Love will keep you up all night
It's not something you can decide
One day you're all alone
The next you're cryin', you're cryin'
Love will keep you up all night
You got a taste of sweet divine
It took you to the other side

Love will keep you up all night
Love will keep you up all night
Love will keep you up all night

save me from me.

2009-10-04T21:39:00.003+08:00

Save me from me, please.
Someone.
Anyone.
Before I continue losing myself endlessly.

Worked 9-5 today.
Slept at 5am yesterday.
Woke up at 7.30am this morning.
And that all equates to : FUCKING SHOIKKK! hahahaha.

Was supposed to meet Uncle for mass earlier.
Was trying to reach him, but I couldn't.
Then Ayu called, met her.
She went to submit MC, then we hung out and smoked at titanic.
haha.
Bumped into ex fuchun schoolmates.
Ayu, please ah, Firdaus is sooooo not cute! hahahahaha.

Thennn, I called Mad.
I didn't know where to go.
Ended up coming back home here, finally. :)
I've missed them- Mad, her dad, her mom. :)

Work's 1-10 tomorrow.
haha.

Ayu said the same thing as Peggy did today.
For me to stop being so hard on myself, to dream a little.
Everytime I try to dream though, someshit goes down and I'm just tired.
I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of everything.

Someone, take me away, please.

finding affection.

2009-10-04T00:31:00.004+08:00

Spoke to Peggy yesterday after Godonlyknowshowlong.
She imed me saying Wendy's pissed at her.
I ended up calling her and we ended up talking on the phone till 5 in the morning.
hahaha.
It was nice to talk to her though, after all this time.
Told her about Mad's mom and everything that has been going on since then- and everything that has been going on generally.

I intended on going home to Mad's tonight, I miss her.
But I called and there was no response.
I reckon she's asleep already so I came back here instead.

Work was supposed to end at 10 tonight, but the manager extended my shift to 11.
Oh well. haha.

I haven't been at my best lately and I'm seriously getting pissed.
For example, my knee's been giving me shit so it hurts and I feel bloody restricted.
Jamming yesterday sucked, and I hated how I sang.
I KNOW I can sing better, I HAVE sung better.
I don't know what's it with me recently. haha.

Peggy's like, "You gotta stop beating yourself up."
And well, she's right I guess?
Hah, I don't know.

Just got off the phone with Ayu. hahaha.
We spoke for damnnn long ahhh. SHIOKK. :)
Ayu, I know I didn't tell you this, but thank you for saving my night. :)
Was feeling really shitty earlier. haha.

I want to be with someone.
Someone who would love me, take care of me as I will too, of the person.
Someone who understands me.
That's why I was feeling shitty earlier.
I hate this somtimes.
No, no, I hate this period.
Like, I enjoy the time to myself, I need time to myself.
But this.
This is just...too much.
And some nights are just horrible.
And I end up beating myself up horribly, not literally of course.

Yesterday, I met the band, we jammed and hung out, then I went to the airport to send Marisa and Dawn off.
Marisa greeted me with a hugeeeee hug, then she pulled my hair cause I cut it. HAHAHA.
Thennn, she hit me, cause of all the times I annoyed her on facebook, msn, etc. HAHAHA.
I loveee annoying her, it's sooo bloody entertaining. hahahaha.
Then we waited for Dawn who was late, AS USUAL!
hahaha.
I've really missed the two of them a lot. haha. :)
OHOH, Marisa's parents were AWESOMEE.
They drove me back from the airport, when they live in SIMEI!
OMGGG. hahaha. Awesomee righhttt!

Marisa says I look like a little boy with my new haircut.
Dawn says I look prettier, as does her mom.
I wonder what would maddy say.
My colleagues were all cool with my haircut.
They say it looks good. hahaha.
I was like, "I look like a guy! HAHAHA. But a hot one so I don't mind."
And, they agreed. :D
HAHAHAHA!

I told my mom I cut my hair she was like, "WHYYY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIRRRRR?!?!?!"
ME: "FOR FUNNNNN! It'll grow back anyway! hahaha."
Uncle can't wait to see it. bleh.

I wanna attend mass tomorrow.
Uncle's gonna be attending with me. YAY!
haha.
I hope he won't be late cause then I'd be alone. And that sucks. haha.
And I hope I don't get held back at work!
I end at 5.
I hope to LEAVE at 5. we'll see.

I wanna go back to mad's.
Maddy, I miss you so much.
Like, seriously.

It's the 4th.
Ryan may be here tonight.
I have no ideaaa.

I CUT MY HAIR AGAIN! HAHA

2009-10-02T01:38:00.003+08:00

Met Leo today...after like three weeks. hahaha.
She wanted to cut her hair.
And I ended up cutting my hair too.
People, don't get a heart attack when you see me kays?
Hahahaha, it's pretty short. :)

I worked the morning shift today- 9 to 5.
I was late butttt, I think I got away with it. hahaha. :)
It was children's day and because Swensens is a family restaurant, it was PACKEDDDD.
Okay, we open at 11am.
By fifteen minutes past opening, there was a crowd and the crowd kept coming in.
It.Didn't.Stop.
I requested to do setting today cause I couldn't walk.
My knee was sooooo fucking painful today ah.
I literally felt the gap between my bones, and the friction everytime I moved my knees and that ain't the best feeling in the world, at all.
So yeahh.
I hated it though cause I felt so bloody restricted.
Like, it was so busy and I wanted to do more, help out more but I couldn't.
Fucking hell.
But yeah.

After work, I went back home to Mad's but I didn't stay too long.
Hung out there for a bit then I changed and went to meet Leo.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do about the whole thing, you know?
Like, I just don't know.
I wanna do so much to help out but I don't even know where to begin.
It's kinda frustrating, towards myself, because I feel so much for mad and her family but I just don't know.
Don't you just wish you had the answers to everything sometimes?

Anywho, I'm gonna be meeting the band tomorrow, with Leo. Well, she's part of the band too, duh. Lol.
So yeah.
I think we're gonna jam.
I think. haha.
I've got some time before meeting Dawn and Marisa so yeah.

I'm debating whether I should go home to Mad's before meeting Leo.
But it's like, I don't feel like I'm much of a help you know?
Like, yeah, I help with the feeding and medications sometimes but I wanna do more.
Sigh, I just don't know.

On another note, Leo and I FINALLY remembered to take pictures together. hahahah.
Well, we didn't manage to take any before the haircut but we got some extremely flash lighted ones on our way home in the cab. hahaha.

On another, another note, I feel like drinking.
Oh boy.

home alone and this is what it does to me, right after mommy leaves.

2009-10-01T02:09:00.002+08:00

The brown eyes I once new,
The brown eyes I was addicted to,
It was a long time ago, yes, that was then,
A time when you and me walked hand in hand.

Funny how I know I'm over you,
And yet every break-up song reminds me of you
Of all the exes you're the only that comes to mind
Maybe it's because of the love I had for you,
It was supposed to last for all time
But I'm no longer yours
And you're no longer mine.

And of every word I've said,
They were said to feel you with hate,
I figured that maybe you'd start to date,
And forget me, treat me as a mistake

Though, you were never that to me,
I truly wanted us to last for an eternity,
I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Why do I still think of you?
I ask myself night after night.
Knowing that last kiss we had was lost and different.
There wasn't any love or passion.

Though, I wanted you so badly at that moment,
But knowing how it would leave us, I just lost interest?
Can't help wondering though, what would have happened
If I had you skin on skin on me, fuck it, it's over.

HAHAHAHA, RANDOMMMM!
BOREDD.

i hate it when she comes cause it sucks when she leaves.

2009-10-01T01:41:00.004+08:00

Mommy came.
She was here.
Now she's gone.
It always hits me hard when she leaves.
I get into this emo state and I sometimes drown myself in it.
It's the loneliness I guess.
I should be used to it but well, I guess some things just never go away do they?
So yeah.

Mommy and I went to JB the night before last's. We slept over at my cousin's place.
Aunty's house prayers were yesterday.
I woke up at like 4am, and upon looking at the time I went like, "Wa lau, mommy, this is the time I go to sleep not wake up."
HAHA!
So yeahh, that was that.
After the prayers, we went to eat! Like, finally hahahaha.
And I forgot to bring my Malaysian Ringgit so I couldn't buy cigs but Aunty was awesome and gave me money. HAHA :D

Highlight of mom's visit?
We didn't fight.
Okay, we argued a bit but it wasn't a big deal.
She just wants me to stop smoking and I told her I'd try.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Rightttt.
Whatever makes her happy though? Yes.
In time though, I reckon she'd be able to accept this.
In time. haha.

So work sucked today at first.
Nothing happend. I just wasn't in the mood.
I was in the emoness of mommy's leaving. If that even makes sense. hahaa.
It really really sucked at first.
I was so close to just walking out and going for a smoke cause that was how bad I needed one.
Mommy's leaving just kept going on in my head and working in a family restaurant doesn't really aid the situation much- when you see families dinnering together.
It just makes you think you know, like, "Where's my family?"
Daddy hasn't been calling me.
Mommy's mostly in Malaysia, though I don't blame her. Granny's sick, and I want her to look after her mom. It just sucks though.
Oh, and my much "beloved" brother?
He calls me when? When he needs something.
And he doesn't even bother to enqiure if I'm alive or dying.
But that's just him yes?
So yeah, shittttt. I hate this feelinggggg.
ARGHHHH.

Work got better though, after funny stuff happened.
This thing with Atiqah really cheered me up.
It was really fucking stupid. But it had me almost literally ROFLing.
I don't wanna type it up cause I'm too lazy to. HAHA! :P
I was supposed to end at 10 but I ended at 11. Least I get an extra $4.50 though!
Okay, I know the money's not much but I need it.

Mommy's coming back next week and she's gonna be staying for at least 8 days. I just counted them.
I am so afraid for what I'm gonna feel after.
This is why I'd rather her not come down at all.
But then again, I'd miss her.
We aren't the best of friends but she's my mom after all yes?

OMGGGG, Ryan's gonna be here sooo fucking soon.
NEXT WEEK!
OMGGGG! HAHAHAHA.
After four years. OMGGGGGGGGGG.
Okay okay breathe.
I still haven't decided if I should go pick him up.
Bleh.
We'll see.
Tried calling him earlier though to confirm his arrival date butttt I think he's sleeping. Or working.
I hate time difference. LOL.

Leo, I hope you feel better babe.
Call me if anything kays?
haha. :)

OH SHIT MY PHONE'S DYINGGGG! 20% battery life left.
I.Am.Not.Touching.It.
Hopefully it lasts until I get home to mad's tomorrow.
I MISS MADDY! AND HER DAD! AND HER MOM!
haha. :)
Aight, that's it for tonight.

the almost heart attack.

2009-09-29T02:31:00.004+08:00

Met Val for lunch today.
Been a long ass time since I last saw her. haha.
We were both late, haha.
We were supposed to meet at 11, and she had something on at 1.
I woke up at 10.30. hahaha.
We met close to 12 and ended up leaving close to 2.
Thennn, I dashed home to Maddy's place!
Haha. :)

Maddy's mom has been very restless lately. Been crying a lot.
And making lotza loud noises.
But it was good to see her, and mad and her dad.
Missed them all a lot in the past few days.

Thenn, I chilled there for a bit.
And then I had to go to work.
So yeah, got ready and went.
On the way, I called mommy to ask her when exactly she would be coming so I could plan my work schedule.
And I nearly had a bloody heart attack.
She said she'd be coming tonight, going to JB tomorrow night for Aunty's housewarming, then leaving the day after I think.
See, the house smelled like a bloody smoker's joint, so hence, my panic. hahahaha.
Moving on...

Work was soooo fun today. haha.
I had to do setting for the first time ever and I don't know shit. LOL.
Adi was there to guide me though, he was the runner.
Lots of funny shit happened. hahahah.
Good night.
I got off at 9 :D
Thennn, I went back to Maddy's, chilled there for a bit.
Helped what little way I could.
Left close to 11, went by work.
Hung with the mates for an hour or so.
Then we left.
Came back here, and did major clean up.
First thing I did was open all the bloody windows and on the fan. hahaha.
Thennn I sprayed perfume.
Least, now the house doesn't smell like a smoker's joint.
See, even though she knows I'm smoking now, I don't want her comig home to that. It'll just initiate another fight and I really just don't want to fight.
So yeah..

I'm staying up, awaiting her return. haha.
And I'm working 11-5 tomorrow.
I am so screwed. LOL.

Shit, I'm so craving for a stick right now but I'm resisting it cause then I gotta make sure the smell's gone again.
Very troublesome.
Instead, I'm just gonna chill, blast music and maybe, dance?
HAHAHAHAHA.
I don't know.

Oh, oh, I may be joining the RCIA for dinner/supper this Thursday?
Haha.
They all really want me back.
I just don't know if I can do it again though.
Val said Victoria's really sorry and all and that she and the rest really misses me.
They ask for me, so yeah.
I don't knowwwww.

rest well. :)

2009-09-28T01:46:00.005+08:00

Maddy's sickkk :( :( :( :( :(
And so is her dad. :( :( :( :(
Was supposed to go home to mad's tonight but mad told me to come back here since she's sick.
I'm planning on waking up realll early tomorrow to go see them all.
I miss them. :(
Maddy, I miss you.

So today's plan was to either wake up, go for mass, go to mad's or wake up later, go to mad's.
Neither of which happened.
I fell back asleep after mad's phonecall and Uncle called about an hour later asking me to go to lunch with him.
First thing I did was call mad and tell her.
Then I got ready, and met uncle downstairs. He borrowed his friend's car today.
Then he took me to this place near Sembawang Park, where we had wanton mee, then he drove us further down to Hans at Upper Thomson and I had apple crumble and root beer float. :)
While, he had a mango smoothie.
Thennnn he wanted to go see monkeys, so we did.
There's a stretch of road between Upper Thomson and Sembawang Park where there're monkeys.
He.Drove.Really.Slowly.
I was kinda getting annoyed cause I was kinda in the hurry to get it over with.
I wanted to go home to mad's and see her mom, and her, and her dad. I miss them.
But I didn't say anything cause I knew he'd get hurt, plus we hadn't spent time together for about two weeks and he kept going on about how he missed me and all.
So yeah.
Jasmin was nice. lol.

Thennnn, when we finallyyyy were done with the monkey business, he drove me back to my place. I was like, wth.
I was yawning and he told me to go get some sleep before work.
I didn't really want to but he insisted.
So. Yeah.
Came back, changed, slept.
Next thing you know, it's 5.30 and work's at 6. hahahaha.
Jumped outta bed.
There was a miss call from aunty so I called her back while walking to work, then I called mad.
Thennnn, hahaha, I managed to reach work at 6.03.
Phew. hahahaha.

Work was pretty smooth today, cept for when I got in.
It was bloodddyyy hectic.
So I went on the floor, cleared everything up, did everything that needed to be done, then I could breathe a little. lol
It was still busy though.
Though, it wasn't as bad as yesterday.
We closed on time.
I was done by 10.50pm.
haha.

We all got a treat though.
The chef cooked so we ate.
And there was ice-cream!
A LOT OF ICE-CREAM!
HAHAHAHAHA! :D

Then I hung out with Rizal and Iskandar for a bit.
Walked back.
And here I am.
:)

I gotta wait till next month to receive my pay. :(
Cause of the date I started. :( :(
Oh well.
Least I can leave THAT money for the fine.

Oh, and I told uncle about the fight mommy and I had last night.
Even HE was speechless.
HAHAHA.
See.
She's one crazy bitch.
I love you though mommy.
You drive me insane though.
Really. haha.

bloody rediculous.

2009-09-27T02:11:00.004+08:00

I was supposed to get off work at 11 tonight but we were still there at 11.45.
Why?
Cause some people do things half way.
They don't even do it well.
And that leaves with Ayu and me having to redo every thing.
Fucking hell.
Least we all got ice-cream at the end of it though! haha. :D

Then mommy called.
Argh.
She wants me to quit smoking.
HAHAHAHA!
Know what's the most rediculous thing she said?
HER: "Which guy is going to marry you when you smoke?"
I literally burst out laughing, LOLing and ROFLing at that statement.
Then I went like, "That's bloody rediculous."
We had a fight tonight.
Oh, and I'm not going to Ipoh now.
But she's staying here.
Great.
More fights.
And I told that to her too.
ME: "Yeah right, you come then we fight more ah. Good good."
I don't know what to do anymore.
She makes every damn thing about HER.
It has NOTHING to do with her.
It's not like I go publicizing to everyone "HEY LOOK HERE! I SMOKE!"
Crazy bitch.
For better or worse, she's my mom and I love her.
And as a daughter, I will fullfill my duties but what I do in MY life, has nothing to do with her.
Whatever I do, I don't bring home.
I never have.
Whatever problems, whatever fights, I never did.
There's always enough shit going on.
It was never even a home.

Hahaha, and my work mates were with me during that phonecall.
Ayu started rubbing my back to cool me down.
HAHA, and Adi kept looking at me. HAHAHAHAHA
I was literally shouting at her.
Well, I didn't mean to.
I couldn't help that I was angry.
If only the phonecall was recorded and ya'll could her how rediculous she sounded.

It's like she's using ALL THE SAME words she used on my dad, on me.
And I told her that.
ARGHHH, fuck it.

OHHH, Maddy's cat scratched me today.
No, I didn't provoke it.
REALLY!
It was like bloody horny or something. It was rubbing itself on the toilet seat and lost its balance and fell and scratched me somewhere inbetween losing its balance and falling.
Got a longgg scar across my lower arm and another on my arm.
Fucking hell. HAHAHAHA!
Oh well.

It's 2.21am.
I'm gonna shower.
My body's cooled down.

the only boy i loveeeee

2009-09-25T01:23:00.003+08:00

I'm going to start this entry with stating something.
MADDY I MISS YOUUUU! HAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, now that that's out of my system. hahaha, work was awesommeee todayy.
We were pretty quiet at first but during closing, hahahaha, so many funny shit happened.
Thenn after closing there was the usual makan session and the lepak/smoke/talk session after the makan session. Haha.
CELEBRITY BROWNIE AND STICKY CHEWY CHOCOLATE SUNDAE!
And that was pretty much heaven for me.
Initially, I didn't plan on staying, I wanted to leave and go home to Mad's...until temptation came before me.
It had me at hello.
And I gave in.
Yesh, Jasmin is a sucker for desserts. LOL.
I finished 3/4 of the brownie on my own. HAHAHA!
OH OH, I didn't fall at work today!! :D
YAY! hahahahahahaha.

My mom's gonna be coming back on the 9th.
And she's leaving on the 14th. October.
And I think....I'm going back with her.
Met Aunty today and she's like, "Go back with her."
ME: "Bleh, okay."
Ohhh, it's confirmed, positive and accurate that my mom knows I'm smoking. HAHA!
I couldn't be happier. LOL.
And no, not to piss her off, but it's easier this way. I hateee keeping things from the people I love, unless necessary.
It's very troublesome to lie. haha. That's why I don't.
Unless necessary. LOL.

Went with Aunty to Geylang Bahru today to get some stuff done.
That took time.
Then she fed me like a cow.
I couldn't even finish the bloody food. Lol.
Then she left for work cause she was running late, and I made my way back to Woodlands.
I was hoping to be able to make it to drop by Mad's place first but I didn't make it in time soo I smoked and went to work.
THENNN on the way up to work, I bumped into Cynthia!
And maddy, it's official, she and Gregory broke up. It's damn sad lahs, cause they were like the most perfect couple.
I really thought they'd end up together but I guess fate has something else stored for the both of them.
She's happier now though, so that's all that matters. haha. :)
She and I will be having a catch up session soon.
One more person to meet. OMGGG

Val wants to book me for three days.
Ryan, a month at least, I think...cause he'd be on a month off work. And he wants to spend all that time with me, apparently. LOL. That's what he saiddd. hahaaha. He even went like, "You won't get sick of me, will you?"
And Mommy's coming back.
I have to go to Ipoh.
Then there's work.
School resumes next month. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
And now, Cyn.
I really don't know how I'm gonna sqeeze them all in, but somehow, I will. HAHA.
OHH YA!
And there's a catch up session with Dingdong.
Dawn.
Marisa.
SHOIKKKKK.

Anyway, I just did laundry.
Now I gotta wait for the machine to stop.
Then I gotta dry them clothes.
HAHA!
Work's at 6 tomorrow. HAHA!
Till closing again. SHOIKK.

Gonna drop my mad's place in the morning.
I miss my familyyyy. :(
Family: Maddy, her dad, her mom, Juelz, Leo, my mom, Aunty, GALVINNNNNN!
SHIT I MISS GALVIN SO FUCKING MUCHHH!!!!!
:(
The only boy in the world that I love. :)
For now. HAHAHA!

falling flat on my ass

2009-09-24T03:47:00.002+08:00

Okay, there was something I missed out in the entry earlier.
It's embarrassing but I still wanna blog about it. HAHA.

I.Fell.Flat.On.My.Ass.Earlier.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
At work.
Cause my colleague was mopping the floor and I was re-arranging the tables and my shoes and water don't mix well at all.
So yes.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I fell, got up, squatted, laughed, looked at my colleague and went like, "SHHHH!"
Then I burst out laughing again.hahaha
Yes, Jasmin laughs at herself.
I think it's good to laugh at yourself though, depending on the situation.
HAHA!

2009-09-24T03:29:00.001+08:00

i.am.wiped.out.
haha.
crashed.

make the best of today, tomorrow will come, tomorrow can wait.

2009-09-24T01:05:00.004+08:00

Worked 7-11 tonight. haha. Short shift. Four hours.
Thennn a bunch of us stayed and dinnered then the smokers, which is the majority, LOL, went to smokeee. LOL
And we hung out for like 1hour ish?
Good times, good times. Great bonding session. haha.
I just got home actually, :)

I gotta work tomorrowwww. hahahaha.
It's initially my day off but I guess they're down on staff for the night so one of my managers asked if I could go on a 7-11 shift again tomorrow.
And well, the answer's pretty obvious. lol.
I need the cash man, seriously. Got a heavy fine on my shoulders right now.
Fucking three hundred dollars. hahahahaha.
I blame no one but myself, my laziness and my stupidity.
Oh well.
Lesson learnt. LOL

So I guess I'm gonna be going to Ipoh for Deepavali after all. I HAVE TO!
Aunty called earlier and I was pretty much ordered to go. hahaha.
Least I can smoke though, and that's all I ask for: smoke breaks to escape from the relatives.
Aunty said that she suspects mommy knows I'm smoking, that Sabrina told her.
Know what?
I am so fucking glad she knows. HAHAHA.
Now I don't have to worry about accidentally exposing my ciggs or how I smell and etc.
HAHA!

I'm spending the night back at my place tonight.
Aunty's coming by tomorrow, then I gotta go to Kallang with her and I don't know what's planned next.
Val wants to see me from 3-6.
Work's at 7-11.
And somewhere inbetween all that I'm hoping and praying I'd be able to drop by home- Mad's place to see her mom.
We'll see.
Tight, tight schedule.
HAHA.

OHHH, I had my animations supp paper today, rather, a labtest.
I seriously wouldn't mind re-taking the bloody module.
Least I can make sure I ace it this time.
HAHA.

People I wanna watch The Ugly Truth.
Can can?
Loves of my life?
Can ya'll watch it with me? haha.
Maddy! Leo! Juelz!
Mad said to watch it with Ryan when he comes but I think by the time he arrives, the movie would be out, so yeah.
WATCH WITH ME PEOPLEEE!
MADDYYYY!
LEOOOO!
JUELZZZZ! hahahahahaha.

Okay, I'm bored.
Aight, I'ma go now.
My body's cooled down, I can go shower!
...and do the bloody laundry.

OH, mommy's planning a trip down soon.
Hopefully, it wouldn't be a sour one. lol

finally, a decent phonecall.

2009-09-23T16:06:00.003+08:00

Mom called earlier, FINALLY a conversation without rude hang-ups or fights.
She wants me to go down to Ipoh for Deepavali. hahaha.
And she's planning a trip down next month.
You know, with Ryan coming down, work, mad, mad's mom, and everything else going on put together, I really don't know how the bloody hell I'm gonna find the time to go there.
And I just got an idea.
Maybeeeee, just maybeeee Ryan can come too! hahahahaha.
We'll see. hahahaha. I can't believe I just typed that out here.
The idea literally just popped in my head.

Work's at 7 later. I wanna sleeeepppppp. :)

2009-09-22T23:03:00.002+08:00

and i remember everything...
the songs we listened to, the lyrics we used to sing.
the songs we danced to.
i remember not being able to pull myself away from you.
how all i needed and wanted was you.
and how i gave every little bit of me to you.
but that was then.
it was a time when things were different.
when you were different, and when i was different.
we grew into different people.
and we grew apart.
the fights.
the yelling.
the screaming.
and i just couldn't take it anymore.
you wanted me there for you and i was.
but where were you when i needed you?
love takes two yes?
you loved me too, i knew but you weren't there when i needed you.
and these were all just some of the things i knew i could never say to you.
why, you ask?
because i know you.
i know how your mind works and i know how you think,
and i know you'd see things so very different from me
and therefore to save another fight, another heartache,
i worked on making you hate me so much and that hurt, i felt hate.
never to you though, it was always on me
because that was always how it was,
the world on my shoulders and i'm on my knees
begging for just a day of peace,
and maybe if there was enough grace, ever
one day, i'd find peace.

i've lived with hate all my life,
so much that when love hit me i didn't even know what had begun
i knew i was done for, that i'd be dead
if love left me, and went away.

i guess what scares me now is the unknown
of not knowing if i could love someone and be loved in return
i know though, the few people close to my heart,
they'd always be with me, close, never apart.

to these few, i hope you know
that though i may be a bitch sometimes, i do love you so.
affection may not be my thing and i may not show it,
but if ever you need me, knock on my door,
i'll always be waiting.

hahahaha, i just came up with that.
like, spot on.
:)
mad's mom is home.
i'm here, at home with them.
aight, i'm gonna go now, and arrange them medicines.

bloody ticket

2009-09-22T01:45:00.004+08:00

Soooo, maddy rode me home earlier.
Yes, rode, on her dad's motor bicycle.
And half way, I rode her.
HAHAHA!
IT WAS FUNNN! lol.

Work was awesome todayyy! HAHA.
This mak cik gave us raya green packets cause we sang a birthday song for her son and aided in the surprise for him. :)
See, I thought it'd be like a $2 or $4 or $5 but she gave us $10!!!!!
:D hahahaha.

OH OH OH OH OH.
Thanks to my fucking stupidity and bloody laziness I got a ticket today for littering.
I.Threw.My.Butt.Into.The.Fucking.Drain.When.The.Fucking.Bin.Was.Right.Behind.Me.
I know.
Fucking stupid right?
I'm usually a responsible smoker but for once, I decide to be a lazy ass now I gotta pay up at fucking $300 fine.
Fucking hell. hahaha.
oh well.
Serves me right.

On another note, does anyone have any affliations or connections to chalets?
If you do, please contact me.
:)
Thank you.

I'm back home for the night.
I'm supposed to be studying for animations.
Rather, practicing it.
Okay, okay, I willll. hahaha.

music matters.

2009-09-21T00:32:00.003+08:00

Work was tiringly awesome. haha.
I was pretty darn half-dead after 8.30 cause I woke up at 9.45am today (Mad was trying to wake me from 9am LOL), slept after 3am last night, and after work last night, I was helping Mad and her dad clean up for Raya. hahaha.
No complaints whatsoever though, I love it here. :)
Okay, sooo I know I should catch up on sleep and rest buttt, I'm figuring out songs to upload into my mp3 player.
Ipod, why'd you have to die on me? hahahaha.

Apparently mad and her dad saw me working today! hahaha. They saw me keying in orders from outside. lol. :)

Ohh, I have the pictures from Rayaing this morning, but they're in my phone and my phone's charging outside. lol.
Mad, myself and her dad are all sleeping in Mad's parents room cause there's air-con. lol. We cleared out the bed a couple of nights ago.
OHHH! I COLLECTED RAYA MONEY TODAY! haha.
Okay, it's not much but at least it's money. $24! haha.

I don't know what song to put into my mp3 playerrrr. arghhh.
I don't know what I feel like listening to.
ARGHHHH hahaah.

Shit my back fucking hurts.
I really, really, really, really, REALLY need a massage.
Anyone?
Can?
CANNNN?!?!? lol

KUIHTART! and it's one small fucking world. lol

2009-09-20T10:11:00.002+08:00

I.Am.In.A.Baju.Kurung. hahahahaha. :)

Selemat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends and readers. :)

Soo, I haven't taken a photo of myself right now but I reckon mad and I would be snapping a few shots later. They will be posted up, if blogger co-operates. lol.

Sooo, work yesterday was good.

Okay, okay, I met another colleague who knows my UNLCE IN TAIPING! I was like WTH, WTF, OMG, etc, etc. lol.

Taiping is in MALAYSIA mind you.

It's one small fucking world. hahaa.

He was totally awesome and gave me two scoops of cookies and cream ice-cream. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Yesh, Jasmin LOVESS ice-cream and she LOVESSS cookies and cream. haha.

I just have this thing for oreo. lol. Don't ask me why. I don't know either. hahaha.

OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!!!!!

Mad's neighbor gave us a couple of kuihs yesterday. AND AND AND THERE WAS KUIH TART!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Okay, I loveeeee kuih tart lahs okay. Like, I love love love love love it. haha!

My mom would have to order seperate batches for my brother and I, or we'd end up fighting. And we'd be able to finish a bottle of 200 tarts within a couple of hours. MUHAHAHAHA!

And, know what I used to do?

Okay, my brother and I would hide our respective bottles around the house in the hope than the other wouldn't find it. My mom would usually order an extra bottle and hide that as well.

I.Would.Find.Them.And.Eat.Them! HAHAHA!

Then my brother would go like, "Where's my kuih tart?"

ME: "DUNNO" HAHA!

So yes, I'm a kuih tart monster. But so is my brother! He stole my kuih tarts too! lol.

Aight so I reckon mad's almost done showering. I'm gonna continue getting ready and pack my stuff for work later! :)

andthesearejustsomeofthethoughtsrunningthroughmyhead.

2009-09-19T15:25:00.002+08:00

If he comes on the 4th, it'll be fiveteen more days.

and if he comes on the 6th, it'll be seventeen.

and then finally, we'll meet face to face. haha.

I cannot believe I'm counting down the days.

I don't know where all this excitement is coming from. lol.

All I know is that as the days draw nearer, the butterfly in my stomach gets bigger and bigger. lol.

I still don't know if I should go pick him up at the airport.

His family will be there. lol.

Should I? hahahaha

We'll see.

Work starts at five today. I reckon I'll go in at four and pig myself before the crazy Saturday begins. hahaha.

And mad's mom comes home on Tuesday. :)

Raya's tomorrow. lol.

and now the toilet guys are fixing new doors for the bathrooms.

Thanks maddy for cigarette earlier. haha. :)

ohhh, the toilet guys are done.

This is all so very random, I know. haha.

What?

I'm random.

buryit

2009-09-18T01:33:00.004+08:00

why do i keep falling for the ones I can't have?
On another note, I've recently realized that I've fallen for someone.
It's not like I'd ever get a chance though.
Maybe that's why I never realized it till recently.

crazy bitch.

2009-09-18T01:27:00.004+08:00

Second day of work today anddd it was goood. hahaha. :)
Funny how I was beat as hell yesterday and how I was sooo energized after work today though it was much busier and I worked a longer shift. haha.

So mom called today and she was a total bitch.
HER: "You should go home, don't leave the house empty."
ME: "Yeah, I told you I do from time to time. Besides, no one's there, so I have no reason/obligations to go back."
HER: "Okay bye."
And she hung up.
What the fuck is her problem now?

exhaustion, exhaustion

2009-09-16T23:43:00.002+08:00

I am exhausted. hahaha.
First day of work today was fun. :)

So mad's mom's fever dropped to 37.7. :) YAY!
haha.

Aight, that's it for the night.
I'm beat. haha.

I got this weird feeling in my chest. It feels hot/like I wanna vomit. :S
Aight, that's it.

bumpercar.

2009-09-15T22:17:00.002+08:00

So I just realized I missed out on one very important aspect of yesterday in yesterday's entry.
Maddy and I rode/drove/played bumper car! haha.
We were the only two idiots in the ring.
It was funnn. hahaha. :)

Update on mad's mom: Her fever escalated to 40.4 degrees but it's now fallen to 38 degrees, a number far less scary than the latter. lol

I start work tomorrow, first day. OMGGGG. hahahaha.
I'm pretty anxious about it. haha.
It should rock. It should.
My shift starts at 5 and I get of at 9.
Woots.

I really should sleep early tonight. haha.
We'll see. hahaha.
Aight I'll end tonight's post here then.
Gonna get back to watching "The Mentalist."
Maybe I'll add something up later.
Maybe. haha.

motored-bicycles. :)

2009-09-15T00:21:00.003+08:00

So school today was a bloody waste of time. haha.
I slept at 3ish today and finally got my ass up at 7.
Got ready, went to school for a remedial.
See, at first, I didn't really wanna go until I read in the e-mail that it was compulsory.
So I went.
I was in school by 9am, first one there.
The lecturer came in only at 9.40am.
Yes, forty minutes late.
Thenn it wasn't like she taught or went through anything, no.
She asked us to practice our excises.
I'm like, "I can do that at home."
See, bloody waste of time.
One good thing came outta it though. At least I know what's coming up for the supp paper.
Sooo, well, that's a good thing I suppose.

So thennnn I left. Hah. Walked to Tampines Mall because I had so much time on my hands. haha.
Mad's dad was in the clinic + Mad in driving class = Me not knowing what to do or where to go cause I'm supposed to meet them.
I got shoes from Tampines Mall- for work.
Okay, I KNOWWW I can wear the shoes I already own but they're all nice and branded and expensive so I don't want them looking like shit. haha.
That's why I got a pair for work. It's cheap too. :) lol.

Thenn, I bussed (haha! Own word) to Novena, walked around, smoked, walked around, bought bubble tea, smoked, met mad, had mos burger with mad and waited for mad's dad.
Thennn we accompanied Mad's dad to lunch and went to see her mom.
Her mom's down with extremely high fever- 38.9 degrees.
After hospital, we came back to Woodlands and Mad and I went bra shopping at Causeway Point.
Okay, no, I accompanied Mad to bra shopping and it was HILARIOUSSSS! HAHAHAHAHA.
So uhh, that was that. hahahahahaha.
Then we went home. :)
THENNN! hahaha.
Okay, Mad's dad has to motored-bicycles.
Mad and I rode on one, and Mad's dad rode on the other and we rode round Woodlands to do some stuff and it was SOOOOO FUNNNN! hahahaha.
I had a go riding it and IT WAS AWESOMEEE!
After riding it I was like, "Mad, now I feel like taking bike first again."
HAHAHAHA.

So after all that, we dinnered at Al-Ameen in Woodgrove- I AM STILL SO FUCKING FULL! haha. :)
And we came back.
Upon reaching Mad's block though, both of us rode the bikes, individually, then after Mad's dad took one of the bikes up, I rode Mad round the block.
IT IS SO FUN TO SCARE HER! MUAHAHAHAHA!
So that's that.
I'm gonna go shower now.
Singapore's so fucking hot.
ARGH!

Oh oh, spoke to Ryan Alexander Maddison today. He got his tentative date to when he's gonna be here.
October's gonna be a hell of a month.

new layout

2009-09-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

new layoutttt.
againnnn.
hahahaha.
i was boredd. :)

pretty short day

2009-09-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

Soooo I woke up at 4ish today. haha.
Juelz called me at 11ish I think but me being me, I fell back asleep.
Well, could you blame me? hahaha. I slept at 4ish-5 this morning! hahahahaha.
Okay, okay I guess you could eh?

So then Uncle and I was supposed to meet for mass but we skipped that and met at Causeway Point instead.
I know, I know, skipping mass isn't good but we were late and it kinda defeats the purpose to attend after the homily doesn't it?
So yeah.
We went to check out movie timings and got tickets for Gamer.
And in the meantime, we ate mos burger. haha. :)
It was his first time and he loveddd it. haha :D yay!

So Gamer was pretty good.
Though, I reckon it could've been better.
Gerard Butler is awesome though. haha. :D

So that's today.
Short day, because I woke up soooo early. haha.
:)

thetrip.

2009-09-13T01:23:00.007+08:00

Okay, so the trip. haha.
I took the 9.30am coach to KL on Friday morning and arrived in KL at about 2.30pm.
I.Was.Knocked.Out.All.The.Way. hahahaha.
What else could be expected? haha.

So then I took a cab to Kajang, and met up with Uncle at the train station.
Was with him till 9ish-10.
So that makes it what? Six hours?
He explained something to me, something about me which I've been trying to figure out and understand.
(I just burned my finger. I know it's random. But it just happened, as I was typing. Don't ask how. Yes, it was accidental. OHH IT BURNSSS! HAHAA)
Okay so in his words.
"You've been alone your entire life, since you were a child and because of that you've got this loneliness within you and you try so hard to fill it. You need someone to love you, to show love to you, love that you can feel and because often enough you don't feel that, you've always felt unloved."
He said some other stuff too, okay a lot of other stuff.
The above has been pretty much ringing in my head.
It's so fucking true. Damn it. hahaha!
Uncle is awesomeee. :))))
I had been looking forward to see him. Been having a lot of stuff on my mind lately. It's been a mess, so much that I don't even know how to talk about it.
It's pretty much cleared up though.
I gotta see him more often, his orders. hahahaha.
Once a month, at least.
OHH YEAHH BABY! LOL. Okay, random, I know.

Sooo, then he dropped me off at the hotel which was awesome. Haha.
One hotel room all to myself.
And Pitbull's "Hotel Room Service" was running in my head endlessly in the car, and just nice, it came on the radio.
I was like, "HAHAHAHAHA!"
So yeahh.
Upon reaching the room, I threw my bag on one of the beds- there were two.
I took off my shoes and socks.
Took the beers outta my bag, and put them in the mini refrigerator.
And took a very nice hot shower. haha. :)
Thennnn, it was time to make some calls. haha.
Mad.Mommy.
Then I tried calling Leo cause I was bored.
I just felt like talking to someone lahs.
And I think mad was still mad at me so her answers were all very cold shoulderish.
But maybe she was just tired.
Then the night ended with me finishing the cans of beer, watching tv, and finishing the pack.
Okay, I didn't actually finish the entire pack, I left two sticks for the morning. hahaha. :D
Thennn, I slepttt. :)
I was knocked-out, K.O, dead. lol.
Soo yeahh.

Anywho, the plan was actually to go to Ipoh after Uncle told me to go see mom.
So the plan was to go to KL today, take the fist bus I could to Ipoh, spend some time with mommy, and take the last bus back tonight so I could be back by tomorrow morning.
Then mommy said that uncle from KL was driving up to Ipoh to bring the maid over.
Plus, Aunty was coming too, so she asked me to hitch along.
So yeah, that was the initial plan, after meeting Uncle.

Upon waking up this morning at 8.30AM, by the way, I had hotel breakfast :D thennn took a cab to KL.
Went to Sungei Wang for a bit cause I didn't feel like going to my Uncle's place right away.
I kneww my cousins would be sleeping anyways. haha. AND THEY STILL WERE WHEN I ARRIVED!
haha.
In Sungei Wang, I passed by a tattoo shop, walked in and I was soooo tempted to get one there and then. hahahahaha.
But I didn'ttttt.
I thought about the tongue piercing and was tempted to do that too but mad and I are supposed to go do that together so I was like, "Noooooo," again. hahaha.
So then I walked around and got two tops.
Wanted to get something for Mad, Juelz and Leo but didn't know what to so I ended up not getting anything.
I did, however, feel like buying a whole bunch of tees, but I was good. hahahaha.
So I got two only. :)

Soo then I cabbed to Vin's place.
Vin's dad is the Uncle that was going to be driving up to Ipoh.
Thennn, after she woke up, we hung out for a bit.
I played with her brother's guitar, and facebooked for a while.
Then it was time to go.
Was on the way to Puduraya to pick Aunty up and proceed to Ipoh then mommy called and said there were no busses back for tonight, tomorrow night and Monday night.
It's bloody frustrating I tell you. haha.
So then she told me to go back cause she didn't want me ending up stranded there.
She said SHE'd make a trip over here soon to come see me and spend some time with me.
Let's see how long that takes eh?
If there's one thing I've learnt, it's to not get my hopes up with this family cause they'd only leave me broken and crumbled.
Anyway, upon reaching Pudu, I went to get the first ticket I could back.
Got one for 6.30pm. :)
And I had to go all the way to Bukit Jalil, instead of taking the bus from it's norm, Puduraya bus station all because it's Raya and Puasa season.
SO yeahh.
The bus left at 7pm.
I was in JB by 10.30pm.
I KNOW, FUCKING FAST RIGHTT?!
haha.
Usually it would take 5-6 hours, from KL.
I was in JB in three hours. hahahaha.
Thennnn, the bus dropped us in Larkin and I had to make a transfer of busses.
It wasted a lot of time.
hahaha.
After all that plus customs, I was back by 00.00. haha.
:)

Noww, I'm just gonna chill.
Maybe I'll watch Vampire High.
Maybe I'll guitar for a bit.
Maybe I'll sing.
And maybe I'll sleep. haha.

P.S: I'm feeling really bloated noww. :( I wanna shit but I can't shit. It's sooo bloody annoyinggggg. ARGHHH.
Okay, I knowww, It's not exactly pleasant to be reading something like this but it's MY blog, so DEAL WITH IT! HAHA
:D

back. :)

2009-09-13T00:26:00.001+08:00

anddd i'm baccckkkk. haha. :)

yesterday, today, tomorrow.

2009-09-11T01:10:00.005+08:00

So I don't reckon I'd be getting any sleep tonight.
Coach to KL is at 9.30am later, I'm leaving at 7, and I'm afraid if I do sleep, I won't wake up. Lol.
Therefore, I ain't getting no sleep tonight. haha.

Last night was awesome.
Yesterday was awesome.
Today's awesome.
:)
After hospitaling yesterday (Yes, I am aware that I just created my own word. HAHA!), Mad and I shared a cab. She cabbed to Yio Chu Kang for driving and me, to Causeway Point to meet Leo.
SOOOO I bumped into Firdaus at Swensens! HAHAHA.
Okay, Firdaus was a classmate from Evergreen.
He had such a crush on Wendy, then I think he had a crush on me cause of all the calls and vibes I got from him. hahaha.
He hooked me up with a job at Swensens! YAY! I GOT A JOB NOWWW! :D haha.
Now, I'll see if I can hook Juelz up. LOL. :)
That fella was such a bloody guy ah, made me blush. He was going all like, "Eh Jasmin you look so pretty now."
"You look so pretty today."
ME: "Haha, thank you. :)"
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Sooo thennn I ran up to the cinema level to check out showtimes but then I had to go down for an interview. I was hired on the spot. LOL.
:D WOOTS.
So the pay isn't greattt but it's a job, and I need a job, so yeah.
It pays $4.50.
I'm hoping, as time goes by, it'll increase.

So anywayyy, after the interview, I ran back up to the cinema level and got tickets for Leo and I to "I love you Beth Cooper."
The movie was freaking hilariousss ahhh. hahahaha.
So after the movie Leo and I went to sit and smoke, then we walked to my place to get some stuff.
The plan was to go back to Mad's place but her Aunt came by sooooo, the plans altered.
In the end, Leoo stayed over. haha. :)

Okay, series of events, of what I remember(at the moment). They are not in order. Lol.

Jam to 21 guns.
Jam to Time of Your Life.
Jam- guitared.
Drum.
Watch TV.
Order Macs.
Eat Macs.
Drink. :)
NOT SLEEP! hahaha.
Paint on tees.
Paint each other.
Paint each other nails different colors.
Dressed-up (she picked out the outfits.)
Musiced. (I know, no such word. Deal with it.)
Play cards. (She basically taught me a bunch of drinking games. haha.)
Talk. :))

Well, there was a part where we were gonna play make-up but I fell asleep. hahaha. At 10am. Woke up close to an hour and a half later. Lol.
Showered, and got ready while Leoo slept.
And that woman sleeps like a pig. hahahahaha. :P
I kept trying to wake her up but came to no avail.
Eventually, she did wake up though. haha.

We had an appointment to go cut our hair at TONI and GUY academy.
It was for 2pm.
Leo woke up at 1-ish. hahahaha.
So we called in and set a later appointment- 4pm
We were still late. hahahahahaha.
Least we got in though!
:)

So then upon leaving my place we had to go to ZAP IT at Causeway Point to print the vouchers.
So we did that, then took the train to Bugis.
We.Slept.In.The.Train.
hahaha.
Could you blame us?
We were up all night! hahaha.

So thenn we got our hairs cut.
Leo your hair looks nice. :)
Mine doesn't look that much different though it's a little shorter.
:)
We planned to take Before and After pictures with regards to the haircut, but obviously that didn't happen cause we can both be that forgetful. Lol.
After the haircut, Leo went to withdraw money then we ate at Mos Burger. haha. :)
Thennnn, I walked her to the bus-stop she was gonna board the bus at and after she boarded the bus, I took the bus to Woodlands. :)
And now, I'm home sweet home at Maddy's place. haha.

And I'm leaving in the morning to KL.
I keep forgetting tomorrow's Friday.
Tomorrow doesn't feel like Friday. hahaha.
I am soooo gonna be zoned-out, stoned, dead asleep in the bus later. hahaha.

OHHH and the exam results are FINALLY OUT! haha.
I received my text during my shower in the morning. After which, I prank called Marisa. hahahaha.
And caught up with her and dawn while trying to wake Leo up. :p hahaha.
Soooo, I didn't do too bad.
Actually, I think I did better than I thought I will.
Though, I just took a look at my GPA.
and...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, okay, study, study, I know, I know. SHHH.
I got 1 supp paper to take and that's for animations.
I am going to fuck that paper in the face and ace it.Lol.

Well, that's all for tonight I suppose. I've typed a lot.
I'm gonna get back to watching Vampire High. :)
See ya'll when I get back. :)

Gonna miss a few people. haha. :)

Maddy, I'm sorry. I love you. :)

not a word this time.

2009-09-09T02:41:00.000+08:00

Sooo, I went back home today.
It's not so much of a home really, rather a vacant apartment.
Anywho, everything was really neat. Like, the clothes were folded and the books and papers were stacked nicely.
My theory is that Aunty came by, since she has the house keys.
I really don't wanna consider other theories. LOL.

On another note, Mad's mom was shifted to a regular ward today, so she's out of ICU, which is good! :)
Got a bunch of stuff to get settled tomorrow, with regards to the maid and all.

I'm leaving for KL on Friday morning. My coach is at 9.30am. Bleh. Lol.
Gonna be putting up in a hotel. haha.
And I'm making this trip alone to see the uncle in Kajang.
Things should get interesting.
He talks to me on the phone and he's like, "You sound so lost."
I'm like, "I know."
HAHAHA.
Oh well.
Perhaps this weekend I would come to a conclusion regarding the license- car or bike.

Mom hasn't been calling, can't say I'm surprised.
Maybe Aunty warned her to not call.
I've got nothing nice to say to her anyway.
And everything that's said is through gritted teeth. HAHA.
Reminds me of when Jess and I used to fight and I'd be surging for control.
My dad used to always say to me though, "Don't say anything if you've got nothing nice to say."
He used to tell me that all the fucking time. hahahaha.
Cause I used to be such a bitch and my mouth was a weapon in itself. HEH.
LOL.

Aight, I'm gonna get back to watching Vampire High. :)

see-saw. :)

2009-09-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

MADDY AND I PLAYED SEE-SAW TODAYYY!!
And this merry go round that required us to cycle but it was sooo cooolll!
IT WAS FUNNNNNN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D

Okay, okay, I'm twenty I know but I don't give a shittt.
hahaha.
It's fun okayyyyy!

On another note, the update on Mad's mom is that she's in ICU.
She's got an infection in her lung so she can't breathe on her own.
So, yeah.

Anywho, I'm leaving for KL this Friday, would prolly be back on Saturday or Sunday.
I don't know yet. But yeah, prolly Saturday.
Bleh.

Bike or Car?

2009-09-07T00:42:00.001+08:00

There's been this ongoing debate in my head.
I haven't gotten my car or bike license but I want to, I NEED to.
So I'm done waiting for my mom to get me into it. She keeps asking me to wait.
Enough is enough.
She's always able to fork out money for my bloody brother, and I've been waiting for two bloody fucking years.

Anywayyy, both vehicles have their advantages and disadvantages.
A bike would be soooo much cheaper and quicker.
But getting a car one would be move accessible.
ARGHHHHH.

Plussss, if I get a bike license, it'd soooooo piss my mom off.
hahahahahha.
Okay, I'm not usually this much of a bitch.
I'm just itching.
I'm like a bomb ticking already, towards my mom. Don't know when I'm gonna explode though.
Argh.

So yeah well....bike or carrrrr?

P.S: blogger's being a fucking bitch. :)
hahahaha

absolute randomness.

2009-09-06T01:10:00.003+08:00

my itunes is on shuffle therefore i'm listening to songs at randommm.
andddd i'm lovingggg itttt. haha. :)
can someone please please give me a massage?
my body freaking hurts.
arghhh, oh how i wish Stephanie from Charco's were here...she gives AWESOMEEEE massagesssss.
haha.
:D

oh, oh, did i mention the moon's beautiful tonight?
it sooo isss okayyy!
i feel so bloody retarded right now.
okay wait, i am retarded.
don't laugh.
i know you idiots are laughing. lol.

okay lahs, i'm just so bloody bored.
so i'm typing random thoughts here.
bleh.

jellylegs. beautifulmoon. dontleavemedarling. dontleavemeee. HAHAHA

2009-09-05T23:22:00.010+08:00

I've never seen a love quite like that, between a husband and a wife, and a wife for her husband. They were inseparable, and their tie and devotion to each other was so, so strong, it was impenetrable. It touched me really, watching them from where I stood. It got me thinking...pondering if I would ever love like that...if anyone would and could ever love me like that. I never knew love like that. The world I was exposed to since birth was a world of violence and hatred. Never did I know nor understand what love really was. Never did I know that such a love really existed.

I remember waking up to screaming and shouting as a kid.
I remember coming back, not to a home, but to an apartment that was disoriented.
I could never forget the day my mother put a knife to her heart, as she threatened to end her life right in front of me. It's not a sight one can forget.
That was the day I lost complete and absolute respect for her and ever inch of every depth of me knew that I could never, ever trust her again.
And today, I still don't.

It's sad really when flesh and blood can't trust each other.
It's sad that they don't.
It's sad that they aren't exactly the best of friends.
It's sad but that's how it is and that's life.
It was the kind of life I lived, the kind of life that had me cold for a long time.
I didn't feel.
I didn't know how to feel.
I didn't know what it was to feel.
I didn't trust nor did I know what trust was about.
I used to envy families that I used to see, of friends and strangers. The bond between them was one of a kind. The kind I never knew, or had.

But see, that was a long time ago. Perhaps not a million years but it was a time when I was a completely different person. Looking back though, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was a part of everything that I was and used to be that made me who I am today.

Who I am not may not be perfect- nobody's perfect, but at least I now feel.
I now love.
And I trust.
I know what it's life to have a family...
And the people who I consider family...they may not be of the same flesh and blood.
They may not be of the same race or religion...
but you see, a family's so much more than that.

hahaha, soooo I was just in my writer's zone earlier today. The above was what I came up with when I was in the rehab center. It is not fiction. :)
LOL, I remember finishing up the entire thing- whatever the above is; a story perhaps?
Anywho, I was finishing up in the canteen when maddy started singing, "Don't leave me darling, don't leave me alone." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And it was all because I was soooo engrossed in the above that I sorta ignored her for a bit.
Well, I didn't exactly ignore her....I just wasn't paying a whole lotta attention. :P hahahahaha.

I did physio earlier and my legs feel like bloody jelly now. hahaha.
And I feel so bloody stoned.
Must be the cigs I was smoking earlier during my long as walk back home- one after another, after another, after another. haha. BLEH.

OH, p.s: anyone see the moon tonight? Beautiful innit?
Aighttt, I'm gonna showerrrr nowwww. :)

missing GC. :(

2009-09-05T02:06:00.004+08:00

and I'm just listening to mellow music as I update my mp3 player and look through facebook.
I'd prolly crash soon.
Maddy's asleep already. haha.
Beside me.

Looking at Charlie's tagged photos of GC trip to Beijing is really making me miss the whole trip. :(
the one week.
the seven days.
the hotel room.
the cold weather.
the awesome roommate.
the awesome friends i've made.
the awesome people i know.
the awesome people i've known.
i miss it.
i miss it all. :(
hahaha.

i shall end this here.
good night world.

Ass, flat on the floor.

2009-09-04T23:14:00.005+08:00

Mad just fell off the bed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Okay, rather, off the mattress. HAHAHA.
Had my ROFLing and LMAOing all the way.
Aww mad, don't feel bad. You know I love you righttt?
I LOVE YOU MADDYYYY! :D

I was going to start this entry by stating the massive clean-up we just did. Then she fell. And me being me, I had to be an ass. hahahahahaha.
Okay, so we cleaned-up the storeroom, but there's still so much more to do.
Tonight was just the tip of the ice-berg.
I thought of doing physio after the clean-up but I went like, "Forget it. hahaha."
My body's kinda aching right now.
Massage anyone? hahahaha.

Moving onnnn, mad went for driving today!
I am seriously just so happy for her. :)
But I'm fucking pissed. lol.
bleh.

OMG, I'm listening to Kris Allen now, again. hahahahaha.
I LOVEEE HIS VOICEEEEE!
:D
Okay, that was totally random.
But I'm random.
So deal with ittttt.

I don't really know what's up for tomorrow.
Prolly the usual I suppose.
Aunty was supposed to come by today, but she didn't.
No call.
No answer.
No text.
No reply.
Nothing.

Moving on, I'm looking for a job.
Preferably, in F&B or warehouse stacking.
If anyone's got any openings, FILL ME IN!
It'll be very much appreciated. :)

Ohh, and I spoke to Ryan today!
Ryan Alexander Maddison. :)
hahaha.
That fucker's such an ass.
He'll be here next month.
We'll see what happens.
haha.
I don't even know what's going to happen next week!

Damn, I really gotta come up with a bloody tattoo design soon.
One for my first.
One for me and mad.
and I think Leo and I are getting one? haha. I don't know. She mentioned it I think.

ANDDDD, TONGUE PIERCING! :D
I wanna do it.
Lemme look for my balls first.
Shit, I got none.
All I got is a pussy. hahahahahahahaha.
Okay, okay, but seriously, it scares me like shitttt.

That's it for today.
I feel like bringing my guitar here, over to Mad's. :)
Should I?
Mad, should I????

LOL, it's fucking stupid of me to post the question here, when she's right next to me. HAHA!
Aight, I'ma get off the blog now.
PEACE! :)

first date? i am a pig. :)

2009-09-04T01:41:00.006+08:00

I woke up at 7ish today. pm, may I add. hahaha.
Sleep for a good twelve hours. LOL. And I call Leo a pig. hahahaha.
So I slept over at Leo's last night. We were up all night.
Her friends came down and there was drinking, very little by me because I promised mad I wouldn't. :)
First time in my life I drank that little. hahahaha.
Oh well.
It was funnnn! hahahaha.
So much happened, I don't even know how to put them all into words.
I wouldn't even know where to begin. LOL.
I'll try.

Okay, so yesterday, Mad, her dad and I went to Ang Mo Kio's branch of TTSH and Leo came after.
Then, Leo and I went to Causeway Point and Seoul Gardened. :)))
It was definitely money worth spent. We ate a lot. :D
And we talked a lot too. :)
ohh, and I tried something new- soaking the cooked food in raw egg. I know it seems disgusting but the food actually tastes better that way. :) hahaha.
Thennnn, we walked around a bit, and then hung out- smoke. lol.
Then we proceeded to her place.

Omg, Leo, I loveee your house! hahaha.
And your bed. lol. It was really damn shiok to sleep on. haha.
Oh, oh, and Leo has two very cute cats. :)
Very obedient too.
:)

Okay so that's yesterday.ish. The series of events that took place in Leo's house was just a lot to mention. Rather, I don't know how to put them all in words. I'm not in my "word/writer zone" right now. lol.

Earlier, I had dinner with Leo and KW.
Al Ameen at Bukit Timah.
Prata is loveee. haha. :)
OH and so is Milo Dinosaur.
Usually I order a godzilla but I for once, I didn't feel like having ice-cream. LOL.
So then we ate and hung out for a bit then I had to go cause Mad and her dad were waiting for me here at home, and he kept asking for me soo, yeah. lol.
Plus, I didn't wanna miss the last bus home.

Bumped into Alibaba in Woodlands.
Okay, Alibaba is actually Zulrasnur. I know for sure I spelt his name wrong. haha.
He's mad's cousin.
and my childhood friend. Lol.
I knew him prior to knowing mad.
It was a really long time ago.
A time when we called each other Alibaba for some reason. hahaha.

Aight so I'm gonna gooo.
I'm kinda sleepy.ish.
The irony, I know.
Okay, okay, I'm a pig. hahahaha.
And a monkey.
BLEH.

2009-09-01T23:34:00.002+08:00

Sooooo, maddy's mom is gonna be moved to Ang Mo Kio's Tan Tock Seng branch for rehabilitation. :)

I went home today, for a bit, to take some stuff. Clothes. hahahaha.
Okay, so now 3/4 of my wardrobe is in Mad's place. Or rather, 3/4 of the clothes I usually wear is in Mad's place.
haha.

You know....I am so fucking sleepy.
I don't even know why I'm still awake. Lol.
Bleh.
We're watching CSI now, was watching the Mentalist earlier.

I wanna watch Bandslam!
and Final destination 4, 3D.
and a whole lotta other movies that don't come to mind right now.

OH OH, Juelz made us food today. :)
Mashed potatoes with corned beef.
YUMMY! :D
haha.

Aight, I'ma go now.

WII!

2009-08-31T23:51:00.003+08:00

Bleh.
haha.
I'm pretty much stoned and I've been stonning the entire day.

Mad's mom was pretty unresponsive today. We reckon it was cause of the physiotherapy she had in the morning. It's tiring. So yeah.

I'm still pretty stoned so my mind's pretty black. The entry's gonna be random. I'll just type whatever comes to mind.

I did physio again earlier and mad accompanied me. :)
She FINALLY got a hold of Amy, and they are officially over. haha. :)
The way I look at it, the fella's bloody stupid lahs. Got an awesome girl by his side and he takes it for bloody granted. On the contrary, Mad does deserve better. I hope she finds that guy, and should she ever turn gay/bi, I'm here kay mad? hahahahahahaha.
But seriously, some guys are damnnn stupid.
No, no, ALL guys are stupid, period. hahaha.

On another note, I am officially staying in Mad's place for good. AND I LOVEEEE IT! hahaha.
We've always planned on moving in together. I guess neither of us expected it to happen so soon. Either way though, YAY! haha. And when my mom comes back, well, I don't know. We'll see.
Bleh. She hasn't called anyway. And when I called her yesterday, she sounded so fucking rude it just got me boiling. Like, what the fuck did I ever do to her? I'm still being nice, despite what she did. Fuck it.

Damn it, I need to let this go.
I really need to let this go.

Ohh, Juelz's prolly gonna stay over tomorrow. haha. :D woots.

OH OH OH! And the epicness of today! WE PLAYED WII IN VELOCITY MALL! hahahaha.
Okay, so Velocity- the mall in Novena, offers free 30 minutes of WII with every $10 spent. So, us being us, WE PLAYED! We started with this boxing game and let Mad's dad have a go at it first. hahahahaha. The sight was very, very, very, very, very entertaining. HAHAHAHA!
Then, Mad had a go, then me. :)
I KICKED THE COMPUTER'S ASS! WOOOOOOTTTSSSS! hahahaha.
Ohh, we tried Tennis too. That wasn't too bad. IT WAS FUNNN!
I sooooo feel like getting a WII now. ahahahahahaha.
BLEHHH.

Ohh, and Mad, her dad and I ate this pill to aid shitting. hahahaha. None of us have yet to run to the toilet. hahaha.
I get the feeling that we're all gonna be fighting for the toilet in the morning.
And yeah, shitting pill cause I have trouble shitting. It gets really bad sometimes. Like once, I couldn't shit for about two weeks. That's no joke. haha.

Okay, enough talk about shitting. Let's switch to peeing. Okay, okay joking.
Lame?
Shut up. hahahahaha.

Haven't heard from Ryan for a while now.
Okay this Ryan I'm reffering to isn't Stephen's son, but this guy I knew four years ago.
We lost contact.
And now, he's apparently back in my life.
Funny how four years ago, I would've prolly ended up loving him, and now I just know I won't.
But bleh, four years ago, I was a very very different person.
We'll see what happens.
boys are the least of my priority right now.
there's only one person I want and that one's taken.

BLEHHHHH.

and so the countdown begins.

2009-08-30T22:39:00.000+08:00

Soo there were improvements with regards to Mad's mom today! :D
She moved her shoulders, and she's moving her head a lot more. :D :D :D :D :D
There's also more movements on the mouth area- her tongue and lips.
ANDDDD she's making more sounds.
I reckon, she'd prolly start speaking soon.
Tuty's mom said to give it a week. :D
And so, the countdown begins.

On another note, I attended mass today, after like what? Six-seven weeks?
I'm not proud at myself for having been skipping mass but in the past weeks, I just didn't feel like going. Don't ask why, I don't know why.
I guess it was just everything that happened in the RCIA plus other shit put together.
I started feeling forced to attend mass, and therefore, I didn't.
BUTTT, I went today so shut up about it. hahahaha.
I fell asleep though, during the psalms, and homily. Not proud of that, but I guess I was just really tired, and sleepy.
Met uncle after for a bit. He was supposed to join me for mass but he was late, so I went in first.
And that was that.
He went to his mother-in-law's place after, and I met mad, her dad and her cousin Layla for dinner. :)

I DID PHYSIOTHERAPY TODAYYYYYY! After a week?
I can't skip no moreeeee. Or the doctor will kill me during the next appointment with him.
Argh, I gotta set the next session for physiotherapy with the hospital too.

Teacher's day's tomorrow.
Mad and I won't be dropping by, there's always another day. :)
That's that.
I'm gonna goooo.

Blood diamond's on tv. :)

stupid texas poker. lol

2009-08-29T22:57:00.001+08:00

MADDY'S MOM MOVED HER HEAD LEFT AND RIGHT TODAY!!! :D :D :D :D :D
So everyday, an improvement's made.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I met Leo and her friends last night, rather, bros. haha.
It was awesomeeeeeeee! hahaha.
Played the drinking game and texas poker for the first time ever. I totally sucked at texas poker, so I had to drink a total of nine shots- 5, then 4. And that was just poker. First was the drinking game.
Can someone please teach me, so I can improve and kick Leo's butt in that game? hahahahahahaha.
:P
So then I went back to meet Mad and her dad in Woodlands and I was getting soooo tipsy. I eventually got drunk.
Leo, sorry I made you worry okay?
haha. :)
Mad took awesome care of me though, together with her dad. I feel so fucking bad. Though, I never thought her dad was really that protective of me. Feels nice. Feels like family. Fuck, this is family. :)

So that's today and a little of yesterday.
I'm prolly gonna attend mass at Novena Church tomorrow. Damn, I haven't attended mass for about six weeks now.
Fuck.
And yeah, I'll need to go for confession too. Lol.

That's that. I'm gonna go help mad with the dying of her dad's hair now. :)

newlayout.

2009-08-27T01:03:00.000+08:00

NEW LAYOUTTT AGAINNN.
hahahaha.
Well it's no longer pink.ish.
hahahahaa.
:)

Update

2009-08-26T23:28:00.002+08:00

Mad and I called pretty much every person in our contact lists today, in search of an experienced massager for stroke patients. And we got a wholeeee lotta people. Lol.
Tuty's mom came down, and massaged Mad's mom. Tuty, thanks kays? Truly appreciate it babe. :)
The massage really helped her mom. She still can't move on her own but she sat on a wheelchair today, with the help of two physiotherapists. This was after the massage. It was something really amazing to see. With more massages, physiotherapy and prayers, she's gonna heal. So we're basically looking at all other alternatives to heal her.

Other than that, I had Telecommunications today. I.Am.Totally.Fucked. hahahaha. I sooo gotta take Supp papers. Oh well.Lol.

That's that.
Short entry tonight.
Don't really feel like talking much.

tiredddddd.

2009-08-25T23:54:00.003+08:00

So today was pretty darn good, but tiring.
Mad's mom moved her hand! Which is really awesome, considering she still can't talk or move any other part of her.
She's fighting back. :)

I am soooo tiredddd. haha.
I don't know how I'm going to do telecommunications tomorrow. My mind's not even working right now. It's pretty much in pieces.
So the day started with me and mad studying for her UT. I was studying with her, :)
Then, mad, me and juelz made breakfast for her dad, nothing too special. But it was nice. Very familyish. And these people are my family. :)
Her dad pretty much treats me as his own and the bond between me and mad is unbreakable. haha. the weslife song's in my head now. OH and Juelz is our adik! haha. :D

So after breakfast we all rushed. It was like 7.40am and we were still home. We cabbed and dropped mad's dad and Juelz at Causeway Point, mad dropped off at school and me, home. And at home, I was pretty much flying around before proceeding to Mad's school.

After Mad's UT, we went to the hospital and we prettty much stayed till nightfall. We reached home 10.30ish pm.
OHH and Samantha dropped by to visit Mad's mom today. :)
The amount of crap we crapped about was record breaking. hahahahaha.

Oh oh and last night, I videocalled with two people. haha. :)
First, Ryan, and he was suchhhh an ass. ahahahaha. It was fun though.

Then, Leo. :)
Montone. hahahahahahahahahahaha.

And tonight, we'll see.
Argh, telecommunications.
I am sooo not in the mood for that.

One more paper.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I'll fuck it over, get it over with and go down to the hospital.

And NETFUND the other day, it really fucked me over. hahahahaha.

OH OH and Leo, check out your tagboardddd. ahahahaha.
I was feeling bitchy. hahahahahaha.

2009-08-24T06:46:00.000+08:00

omg, netfund. I am soooo fucking screwed. hahahahahahahahahaha

What A Day..

2009-08-24T02:00:00.003+08:00

What a day...literally.
It's been hectic, no, crazy.
I guess I should start from the beginning, Saturday.

Saturday was good. Haha, because I got to wake up at 4.36pm. :D Then I got ready and went to meet Sabrina and her sister-in-law at Bugis for dinner.
After, I didn't really wanna go home yet cause well, I just didn't. Haha.
SOOOO I went over to Mad's. Initially I thought of just dropping by but I ended up staying over cause it started raining and couldn't walk home. Haha.

So then mad's dad came into the room while we were sleeping at 4ish-5ish and said her mom was sick. See, we thought it was a mundane thing so we carried on sleeping. We didn't really think much of it. We both woke up later at 10.30ish am, and mad went to check on her mom. And thennnnn, oh what a day it was.

She was on her bed. She couldn't move. She couldn't talk. Mad told me and I pretty much jumped outta bed. We called the ambulance and that was that.
She got a stroke.

So the day's basically filled with us running back and forth- her place, my place, hospital.
It's been crazy.
We're both sooo fucking tired.
And I got NETFUND exam tomorrow.

I am so totally fucked. HAH.
But really, that's the least of my concerns right now.

As for things with mommy. Well, she called on Saturday and insisted on knowing what was wrong. I didn't wanna burst, no. Not on the phone, no. If she's gonna hear anything, it's all gonna go down face to face, so I can tell her face to face.

Aunty's been trying to calm me down.
I've been trying to calm down.
And I'm still trying.

See the thing with me is, it's not really easy to hit a nerve. I may be hot-tempered but I mostly get over things quickly, so it usually doesn't become a big deal.
What she did, that one call, it brought back the past twenty years.
Every emotion.
Every memory.
Everything.
That hit EVERY nerve.

Right now, I've basically stopped caring. If she's gonna call the one man who betrayed her, ruined her life and left her completely miserable after EVERYTHING SHE did for him. If she's going to call him after everything I did FOR HER, to improve the situation for her, then it really doesn't matter. Because she clearly didn't even give a thought about what that call would do to me, and how I would be affected by it.
Oh, and why she called?
I think I already blogged about it, but long story short, it's because she heard that my dad's woman's pregnant again.
Like, why the fuck would it be any of HER business if that bitch's pregnant? It's not like she's gonna be carrying the baby for her.

See, I love my dad, truly I do. I hated him for a long while, I did. But that was because of everything he ever did to my mom, and thus, everything I had to bear for my mom.
But you see, I hate him for what he did.
But I love him for who he is.
I'm so much like him and he's gets me so well.

And now, well, I'm just glad my mom didn't call today.
I really don't wanna talk or she her for a while.

Funny, my motivation for school was her.
Now, that's gone.
So, fuck school and everything else.
Fuck it.
Fuck living for her.
I'm living for me.

I know, I know, fineee, I'll go study. haha.
Damn, this is one angsty entry.
PFFFTTT

blehness

2009-08-21T23:36:00.004+08:00

omgggg, i am soooo boredddd. hahahaha.
sabrina's asleepppp.
and i don't wanna sleep yetttt.
bleh.
i accidentally burned my table.
well, not the whole bloody thing.
there's just a burn mark, that's all.
enough for my mom to kill me though.
hahahahaha.
tomorrow, i am soooo getting a bloody ashtray.
haha.

on another note, i find i'm starting to care less and less.
this can't be good.

and on another, another note,
i am feeling good.
:)

daddy daughter time. :D

2009-08-21T19:52:00.006+08:00

and I saw my daddy today! :D hahahahaha.
I found the dates pretty funny though, maybe it's just me...but the last time I saw him, it was May 12, and today's August 21. hahaha.
Okay, so maybe it is just me. lol.

anywayyyyyyy, I was soooooo nervousss. hahahaha.
Like when 168 exited the expressway he called and said he was here and that he'd be waiting at Civic's macdonalds. There was where I was supposed to meet him.
Soo, while waiting for sabrina, the nerves just kept building and building and building. I smoked twice, consecutively because well, the nerves were that bad. hahaha.
Called mad, and spoke to her for a bit, to try and calm the nerves. I think if I didn't call her, I would have finished half the pack there and then. hahahaha. NO wait, all of it.

I felt like a bride, in an arranged marriage, seeing her husband for the first time. Well that was how it felt...cept the roles in my situation are a whole lot different. hahahaha. But yeah, that's the only way I know how to put it. LOL.

It was gooodddddd. No no, AWESOMEEEE! hahahaha.
I really am so bloody much like him! hahahahaha.
Ohhh, and my half-brother, Issac is a lot like me too! hahahaha.
He looks like Galvin though. LOL.
I haven't seen him in person yet though, I WANNA!

So, half-way through the meet up with my dad, my mom called and I just went like, "Shit."
Timing has really been shit recently. haha. Seriously.

I can think of a few examples at the top of my head. hahaha. Oh well, it isn't something we can actually control is it?

Sooo anywayy, yeahh. hahaha. Bleh. Oh welll.
I don't know how long I got to hang with daddy today, but it wasn't not long enough. haha.
It never is.
He just totally gets me.
He supports everything I do. Really.
I told him about being a vocalist for Leo's band and he got soooo excited.
Tell that to my mom, and you'd be able to her the crickets.
LOL.
I'm not saying my mom sucks, no. She's awesome and I love her.
My daddy is just awesomer. hahahaha.
Okay, okay, I think, because I'm so much like my dad, and my dad knows that, he gets that and therefore, gets me.
So yes.
Okay, enough about daddy for now. LOL.

So after he left, (it was sooo hard to watch him leave. It always is. Tears me up really. Tears both of us) I SAW DOMINIC! hahahahaha.
I was likeeee, "OHHHH SHITTTT! HAHAHAHAHA"
So uhh, it was weird, a little. But I did say hi, and I was nice, and friendly and NICEEEE! lol.
So yeah. hahahahahaha.

Thennnn, that was it. Sabrina and I went to eat and left.

OH OH, MCT WAS SHITTTT! HAHAHAHAHA.
I AM SOOO FUCKEDDD.
Okay, i think it went better than I thought it would though.
OHH WELL.
FUCK IT!
hahaha!

oh, oh, I LOVE YOU DADDYYYY!

two papers today.

2009-08-21T07:21:00.002+08:00

I've got two papers today- Math & MCT which basically involves C Programming.
Know what that equates to?
I'm seriously fucked. hahahaha.
OH well, just gonna get it over and done with.
Cheers.
hahahahaha

pink blog.

2009-08-20T03:26:00.001+08:00

hahahahaha, my blog's pink now.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

my room is a nightclub.

2009-08-20T03:05:00.003+08:00

I feel likeeee clubbingggg.
Maddyyy, can we?
Soon soon? :D
Leooo, must come too kays?
Lets sneak Juelz in too!
hahahahaha.

my room is currently a nightclub and i'm loving it! hahahaha
3.05am, people are sleeping.
what am i doing?
hahahahaha.
don't ask.

mommy's totally gonna get it. bigtime.

2009-08-19T23:16:00.003+08:00

I just had a really really really long talk with Sabrina.
It was about mommy and daddy for the most part- basically the family lahs.
Mommy did something completely absurd today.
It was absolutely redundant.
She called daddy.
Why?
Cause she heard that his woman is pregnant...

Daddy called me while I was studying/chilling at starbucks.
He apologized for being an ass to mommy and he asked me to pass on the apology to her.
You know, I'm really glad he was such an ass to her, teaches her for calling him.

What business does she have calling him?
Or caring that his woman may or may not be pregnant?
As far as I'm concerned, it's no longer HER business.
They're divorced.
Their marriage wasn't real.
He was barely around. And when he was, he'd be high on drugs/gambling/cheating her in more ways than one.
I wouldn't be surprised, in fact, I'm pretty sure I have half-brothers/sisters out there that I don't know about. Knowing HIM, hah, I just know too well.
But what business does sheeee haveeeeeeeee!

If she lets him back in, I'm gone.
He's my father, yes, a shitty one, yes, but MY father nevertheless.
And that's all he is.
He's notttt her husband.
She has uncle, and he's a LOT better.

If she lets him back in, everything we've lived through will start again.
I've lived through hell.
I'm not going to do it again.
Frankly, I don't know if I'll survive this time.
I'm still healing from all the damaged done since I was born.
I don't need to live through this again.

Mommy's gonna get a very very nice lecture from me.
OH yes she is.
Not over the phone though, no.
Ohhh no.
She'll get it in her face.
And I don't care if she cries cause it's better she realizes than go though shit again.
Argh.
There's a whole lot more to this that I'm not typing up.
Cause an entry wouldn't fit.
I think I could write a book about it though.
hahahaa.

On another note, I feel a hugeee zit growing on my face and it's irritatingggggg! hahahaha.
ohh, I feel like drinking!
:)
jazzy cool down.
ohhh, I need to cool down.
I'm been trying, since the phonecall.

awesome awesome awesome. :)

2009-08-18T23:50:00.002+08:00

Soooo todayyy wassss AWESOMEEE! hahahaha.
The day started at 8.20ish, when I finally got my lazy ass of the bed. Lol.
Met up with Maddy and Leo to study.
They've got their UT's coming up and I've got bloody exams.
YAY! sarcasm. haha. Least holidays are after that, so that's something to look forward to. :D

Sooo, we went to starbucks first, after meeting up and smoking. hahaha.
Anddd, well, we waited for the library to open cause we were gonna go there to study.
Well eventually, it did, and we proceeded there.
We did study, a bit. haha.
Leo fell asleep after a while.
I was uhh, well, studyingish.
Mad was studying then Samantha came and they went places.
Lol.

Thennnn we got hungry.
Sam left to go back to school, we had KFC.
AND THEN! Hahahahaha! We went to my place.
And that was super awesomeee.
See, the idea was to study here.
But us being us, no studying took place, cept for when Leo did study for a bit.
Other than that, my room was practically a club.
Anddd, apart from being my personal councillors, maddy and Leo are now my vocal coaches too apparently. haha. Juelz is pretty much part of that equation too. :)

I was trained to sing high notes today.
Like, really, really trained. hahaha.
For those who've heard me sing, ya'll know I usually sing in a damn low voice.
But the trio have broadened my vocal range. :))
Apart from that, we danced tektonic. And I am pretty sure I got that spelt wrong. haha.
Anddd we drankkkk a lotttt. hahahahaha. :D :D :D
It's awesome to drink with company.
I loveeee itttt.
ohh and smoked too, duh. hahahahah. :D

Leo's really good with the guitar. :)
And I found out I can read Juelz's mind cause she was looking at me and well, I just knew what she was thinking soooo haha. It happened a couple of times actually. Woman had me swearing at her. hahahahaha.
bleh.

I spoke to daddy too. :)
Well, I called him cause well, I don't know really. I felt like talking to him and something in me just said to call him, so I did.
And that woman was with him so obviously he couldn't talk.
We hung up.
What surprised me though was that he called back.
It was really nice though.
We talked for a bit.
I may see him on Friday.
Not gonna get my hopes up though, cause knowing him and this family, they'd prolly crumble it all in a moment.
OH well.

On another note, aunty's coming by tomorrow.
Gotta get some stuff done.
Then I'm gonna study.
I think. No wait, I am. hahahaha!
I have to.
lol.

Sabrina's awesomeeeeee! :)

OH OH!
Brother's birthday today.
:)
haha, he turns 30.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

back from K.L

2009-08-17T22:25:00.006+08:00

Aighttt, so I'm backkkkk. hahaha. :)
The trip was gooood!

Uhh, I went shopping and I gotta say that this is the first time I went shopping in KL with RM200 and got more than just ONE outfit.
I know, I know two hundred ringgit can get you a lotttt of things but I used to just go to ROXY and get something from there. This time, we went to Sungei Wang and Times Square. It's like Far East here. So yeahhh.
I got shitloads amounts of tees. hahahaha. I cant't helpppp ittttt. i love tees! :)
And I got a jean/pants...argh, a bottom. Yes, a bottom. hahahaha.
And I got something for mad! And mad, it's not cigarettes, though, I did get that for you too. :)

bleh.

OH OH OH I'm not sure if ya'll know but Times Square has a roller coaster IN the building. Fucking cool right? I WANTED TO RIDEEE ITTTT but Sabrina's too much of a chicken. :P
hahaha.
That's fineee, next time, I'll bring my friends and WE'LL go!
I am planning another trip soon though.
To KL, then to Ipoh.
Maddy~ hahahahaa.

Uhh, I wrote two songs while I was there. Both within five minutes. hahahaha. Sabrina's sooo used to it now she doesn't even bother to be surprised.
We went to see the uncle in Kajang and I am soooo going back there soon. Maddy, I'll tell you about this tomorrow, when I see you and Leo. :)))))))
hahahahahah.

Series of events of the trip (what I can remember):

Friday

Reached at 2ish-3.

Met Sabrina (my cousin).

Bought our tickets back for monday.

Ate A&W :D:D:D:D:D:D

Headed home.

Dropped by my Uncle's place to say hi.

Went back to Sabrina's.

Chilled.

Smoked.

Slept.

Saturday

Woke up at 7ish.

Had prata for breakfast.

Met Harvin (my other cousin).

Headed to Kajang to see Uncle.

Chilled/talked to him till 3ish.

Told him about my crush.

Told him about drugs.

Told him about smoking.

Told him about tattoo.

Didn't have to tell him much actually cause he knows EVERYTHING.

And he told me something he's gonna teach me! HAHA!

Uhh, left kajang, went back to K.L.

Had Chicken rice.

Got starbucks. :)) haha.

Walked round the mall.

Headed home.

Chilled for a bit.

Changed.

Went to the Pasar Malam.

Bought a few movies. :D

Went home.

Vin came over.

Lepaked for a bit.

She left.

We watched tv for a bit.

Slept.

Sunday

Woke up at 9ish cause sabrina was bored and she haddd to wake me up. lol.

Got ready and shit.

Headed out.

Had Wendy's for lunch- was really really good by the wayy.

And yes, the irony, Wendy's. hahahaha.

Felt like punching the dude in the face there cause he got on my nerves. Lol.

Went to Sungei Wang.

Shopped a lot.

Went to Times Square.

Shopped a lottt.

Watched the proposal (sooo gonna watch it here again!)

Proceeded home.

Was soooo freaking tired thanks to all the walking. LOL.

Watched the dvd we got.

Slept.

Dreamt of a lotttt of things. hahaha.

Monday

Woke up at 10ish-11.

Packed/showered/got ready.

Went by Harvin's to say bye but pig she was, she was sleeping. hahaha. :P

Left for Puduraya.

Had Kenny Roagers for lunch. :)

And because it was ME eating we took two hours. hahahaha. Okay, less!

Headed to the bus station.

Almost punched a guy in the face there because the people there are just fucking annoying. Mad, the same thing kinda happened again, like the last time we were there.

Bought cigarettes for maddy.

Boarded the bus.

Stoned in the bus.

Slept in the bus.

Texted in the bus. hahah.

and now I'm home sweet home.

Leo, enjoy reading. hahahah

KL,cigarettes.

2009-08-15T20:38:00.001+08:00

i'm in KLLLLLLLLL. :)
cigarettes are fucking cheap.
i got a pack for RM7.50.
FUCKING HELLLLL.
hahaha.

dead, crashed, tired, gone. haha!

2009-08-14T00:47:00.001+08:00

aighttt, so i'm leaving for kl in the morningggg.
my coach is at 9.30am, which means I'm leaving at 7.30am, and therefore waking up at 6 since I haven't packed yet. hahaha.
gonna be away for the weekend. :)

soooo, I'm gonna crash nowww, been awake for almost 24 hours.
I know that's not unusual for me, but i'm tired as hellllll.
and my back hurts.haha
back massage anyone?

i'll miss ya'll.
maddy, i'll miss youuu.
leo, hahaha, i'll miss you also!
i'll miss juelz.
i'll miss....hmmm, nothing else i guess. OH! my guitars. :)

okay then.
good night world.
crashed.

the last day.

2009-08-13T20:56:00.004+08:00

Aighttt, soooo today's the last day of school!
Kind of. LOL.
Though, modani hasn't been submitted. Modani's my animations class.
Lots of fun, well, it can be.
But it's a hugeeee pain in the ass to do. Lol.
Almost there though.
Like, just a little bit more.

I went to school for like two hours today.
hahahaha.
Well, I didn't exactly ditch, or rather, zhao- new word I leant from Leo. :)
hahaha.
Okay, well, I had my medical appointment for my knee at about noon, so I left school at 10ish.
Thennnnn, I had to go meet mommy. She was with aunty.
She knows I smoke now, and so does uncle.
Mommy's the only one that's still in the closet. lol.
Don't think I'm gonna tell her anytime soon though, or ever. If she finds out though, then so be it. Lol.

I talked to mommy today, bout school and pretty much everything going on.
She sees how different I am now and that's a good thing I think.
I told her about the tattoo I'm planning on getting on my 21st. I told her about the trip I'm planning to celebrate. She wants to come along with my friends. But she promises to leave us alone. She and aunty will just go relax one corner. hahahaha.
And I asked her if I could get a tongue piercing.
hahahahahaha.
No, she didn't kill me.
Instead she went like, "Ask aunty."
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
So yeahh, I'm planning on asking aunty realllll sooon. hahahahaha.

It was really nice to see mommy though...even though it was only for a couple of hours.
The house OFFICIALLY belongs to mommy now, so if anything were to happen to her, I at least know I won't end up homeless. hahaha.
Oh well, mommy's gone now though. Pretty bumped about it. But oh well, I guess I'm used to it.
I will see her in a couple of weeks though. Gonna go to Ipoh. Hopefully maddy can come...hopefully her mom evolves back into a human. hahahahaha.
Maddy's grounded bigtime. :(

OH OH OH, okay, so my MCT teacher and I talked for a bit today, before I zhaoed.
I told her I had to go to court today, and for a second she looked at me like I was a fugitive. hahaha.
Until I told her it was about my parents and their divorce and the apartment.
We talked about other things too. She asked about the family and my health and all.
Then, she said something that just kinda hit me a bit.
SHE: "But you look so cheerful and bubbly."
ME: "I have to."

At that moment, it hit me. I never realized how much everything really affected me, from mommy and daddy's divorced to everything that's happened till now.
I guess I never dealt with it, you know. I mean, I'm slow when it comes to emotions and such. Lol.
God gave me a brain, a really good one but the emotion's part's kinda laggy. haha.
So yeah.
I was thinking about it all the way through, and I was just at shock I guess.

Like, I never really acted like I was bothered by it, by anything.
I thought I wasn't.
HAH. Oh well.
Mommy and daddy's divorce was for the better though, for mommy. Daddy's a shitty father and a worse husband. So yeah.
Though, I will admit, I was hoping to see him today.
Apparently, they call both parties down at seperate timings so they won't see each other and all.
Well, that's good for mommy.
Not so good for me.
He did call the other day though...saying something bout following him to visit his brother. Hopefully, that happens soon. Knowing him though, I'm not counting on it. He probably won't call me for the next couple of months.

So after all that today, I'm just really glad school's done. Modani WILL be completed by tonight.
Then I can just live for a while.

I'm leaving for KL in the morning.
Looking forward to it.
I need it, the break.
Haha.
AND I MISS SABRINA! woot woot.
Gotta visit other cousins too.
Bleh.

Ohh, exams are coming though.
So, I gotta start studying.
hahahaha.
Fry my brains with programming and networking and math and telecommunications.

omg, this entry is so fucking long. hahahahahaha.

blah.

2009-08-12T08:57:00.002+08:00

Stop dreaming Jasmin, stopppp ittttt.

I need to get over this.
Quick.
Argh.
Lord knows I won't ever though.

On another note, mommy's coming back tonight.
NO actually, she's leaving Ipoh tonight which means she'll arrive early tomorrow morning.
And she'll be leaving tomorrow night.

Why come back then?
She's got house transfer stuff to settle. Parents have been divorced for about three years now and the house still isn't settled yet.
Argh.

Oh, and, one more day.
I can survive this.
I think.

Happy Birthday Singapore.

2009-08-09T16:10:00.006+08:00

When you're gonna walk away, what could I really do or say. Would it matter anyway?

It wouldn't change how you feel.

You wanna come by, kiss me for one last time to clear your doubts.
I'm like, fine. Whatever you need.
You come by.
We kissed.
Then you go like, "This is the last time you're gonna see me and that's it?"

Why do you keep testing me?
Why do you keep pushing my limits.

You know what?
Yeah, that would be it.
Because I could have you in my arms all over again.
We could fuck one last time.
And then what?
I'd never see you again?
Fuck it, I don't want that.
I don't want to not see you again.

So yeah, in your way, you'd put it as, "So you're never gonna see me again and that's it."
You know what, that would be it.

Because if I did sleep with you one last time, this wouldn't make it any easier.
Fuck it, it'd be so much harder.

And I don't wanna be having you in my arms and have my head ringing, "This is it. This is it."

You don't wanna see me anymore.
You said I wouldn't see you anymore.

We'd see each other.
Because this world is that fucking small.

On another note, Happy Birthday Singapore.
Something always fucks up on national day for me.
Four years ago, I lost my dad this very same day. Didn't see him again for a really, really long time.
And today, it's you.

2009-08-03T19:19:00.002+08:00

First day back at school today, after two weeks. hahahaha.
And there's two more weeks to go.
I'm counting down, quite literally.

So school was pretty alright. It wasn't too bad.
I had two tests- one lab test and one quiz.
The lab test was Telecommunications and I fucked it overrrrr. hahahahahaha.
I didn't know what I was doinggggg.
But hell, I'm just really, really glad it's over.
I KNOW I'd at least PASS it so, well, it's not an A but it's better than a F innit?

And the math quiz wasn't so bad, cept for the final question.
Oh well, final questions are always a pain in the ass. hahahaha.
BLEH.

OH, OH, OH, I surprised someone today.
Jess.
hahaha.
Dropped by her workplace.
I didn't plan on it initially, I mean, I thought of going but I didn't think I'd have that much time on my hands.
Well, I did and it was a decision I made in the spur of the moment.

It was really, really, really good to see her again.
I wanted to surprise her, and I did.
Though, I kinda wasted fourty-five minutes sitting my ass down and staring at her from where I was seated at.
Gotta say though, it did help to calm the nerves.

I don't know what's going to happen.
I'm not making any plans.
Firstly because I don't really go through with my plans. Lol. So it's probably not a good idea.

On another note, I had my first beer with the family last night.
My cousins/nieces/nephew were here from Australia/the States/ London so we all went to dinner. My brother, his wife and Galvin came along too. haha.
And that was why I was freaking out to drink with them.
If my brother wasn't there, it would've been a no brainer but I was kinda freaked that my brother would freak out.
hahahaahaha.
I got pushed a mug of beer, and well, eventually, I drank it.
hahaha.
I don't think my brother really cares about what I do anymore, considering my age now.

So that was that.
I'm gonna go chill and rest now.
I'm sooo sleepyyyy.

i've been sick.

2009-08-01T02:26:00.004+08:00

I've been a sick ass this past week.
Yes, the entire week.
Rightfully, it started last week, last Monday to be exact.
Saw the doctor on Tuesday, and I got two days off (Tuesday & Wednesday.)
I still wasn't well on Wednesday so I went back to the same doctor and he gave me Thursday and Friday off.
Geez.
I started feeling better though, pluss mommy was back, so YAY!
Then the weekend passed- a family weekend which I oh so loved.

Sunday night, and the fever seemed to be on attack mode again.
Mommy checked on me on Monday morning and I was phew- HOT, like a roasting chicken on barbeque.
hahahaha.

She brought me to another doctor on Monday night and she gave me a five day mc.
Sound good eh?
Not quite when your body's burning, throat's itching and you can't stop coughing, AND when the doctor's told you that you've got a 50% chance of having H1N1. It really fucks your mind up. Lol.

So yeahh, I was sick as hell.
I literally pretty much stayed in bed the entire week.
And now, I am finally better.
The fever subsided though, A LOT, so that's good news.

It's kinda annoying.
Firstly, I've been missing so much of school and I feel kinda guilty cause I can't work with my groupmates and partners on projects. Though, it's not like I asked for this right? I don't go to bed at night praying to fall ill. Lol.
Argh.
So yeah, it's fucking annoyingggggg.
I feel like I can't do my best because of that.
And I know people are judging me for missing school as it is so that sucks majorly.

Okay, I'm normally not the kind of person who cares what people think. But, I do care about what my friends think because well, they're my friends and I care about them so their thought matters.
But it sucks to go back to school and feel an awkwardness- it's just a really bad vibe.
But fuck it, right?

Plus, mama's gone now. She left on Wednesday when I was still SICK ass. I don't blame her though. I don't wanna put her in the spot of having to choose between her mother and her daughter. That would just suck. So I'm sucking it all in.
And I did suck it in when I was lying on the couch half dead as she prepared to leave.
And when she left, it hurt a whole fucking lot.
It was like the apartment was empty again, with the echoes of silence that fill it.
Argh.

BUT, maddy and juelz have been staying over to watch over me and I am eternally grateful for them. It's nice to have company.
I mean, it's not like we have to all stay up or talk non-stop. We could be doing our own thing.
It just feels nice.
And this feels like family.
They are family.

I'm hoping to get better and fully recover.
I just hope I can survive the two weeks that's left of school.
So many things to rush and do.
So many things to complete.
So many things to get over and done with.
And the exams?
Lord knows I'm everything but ready for it.
ARGHHHHHHH

mama loves to feed me. :S haha

2009-07-26T01:56:00.002+08:00

so today, i ate like a cow. hahaha.
breakfast with mom earlier in the morning, as mentioned in the post before this.
when i woke up, aunty made me eat.
there was rice, poori, chicken curry and fish. :S
and i just had black pepper crab, custard and this other sweet thing. i don't know what it's called.
it's nice though.
sweet. :D

Galvin's three!
hahahahaha.

i cussed in the Lord's name today, something I don't do a whole lot.
Like, okay, i say the word fuck a lot, but no, not this.
I'm gonna skip all the details but I spoke to Stephen today.
HIM: Hi Jasmin.
ME: Oh my fucking God.
HIM: So you're gonna curse and go to church tomorrow?
ME: LOL, actually I haven't attended mass for three weeks now.
hahahahaha.

and, yes, i haven't been attending mass.
this week would make four weeks...or is it five now? lol.
i haven't faltered in my faith, no.
i just don't really feel like going.
bleh.

on another note, i keep asking myself to breathe and be patient.
october.
i am so looking forward to it.
four years now, and then, finally...
i can only hope.

breathe jasmin, breathe.
be patient.
bleh.

family weekend. :D

2009-07-25T07:32:00.004+08:00

mama just said good night to me, at 7.30, on a saturday morning. hahahahaha.
though, it is a perfect start to my day, or rather, end, since i haven't slept yet.
if you're surprised, i'd say, don't be.
some days, i don't even sleep!
hahaha.
lately though, i gotta say, i've been sleeping A LOTTTTT.

so, mama's finally home, after three long months.
well, they weren't that long...the months really flew by but...ah well. lol.
i was doing my physiotherapy at about 3ish-4 in the morning- earlier. and LOL, i know. I should've been sleeping but i don't always do the things i should. hahahaha.
prior to that, maddy and juelz were over and we watched a hindi movie, after watching part of my brother's wedding's dinner.
HAHAHAHA, yes, HINDI movie.
hahahahahahahaha!
bleh.
it was longggg. but pretty good. lol. funny though- the movie.
so anyways, the movie finally ended at 2.30am, i walked mad and juelz halfway home and i walked home.
reached home at about three, chilled for a bit, showered, then did physio.
i know i should've done my physio FIRST then shower, but i don't usually follow the natual order of things either. hahahaa.
what can i say? i'm a rebel. hahahaha. who plays good, most of the time. hahahahaha.

okay, okay, so i was doing my physio, which hurts like a BITCH by the way, when I heard the gate.
i looked through the doorhole and taaadaaaa! MOMMYYYY!
hahahaha.
i opened the door. :D
and i prayed like hell that the house didn't smell like sticks cause she has the sense of smell of a dog i tell you. it's one powerful nose she has. lol.
and a killer instinct too. hahaha.

so then, i continued talking to her, amidst doing my physio.
we talked and talked and talked.
then we went down for breakfast at 6.30am.
i know, fucking early.
lol.
it was nice though.

and now, i'm full.
i had appam (don't know if i spelt it right), tah huay (prolly got this wrong too), half of a hard boiled egg, and a big glass of hot soya bean.
i am soooooooooooo full...and sleepy.
hahaha.
but i want my food to digest firstttt otherwise i'd get indigestion and get very, very cranky cause then i wouldn't be able to shit too.
and it's very irritating.
like, i may not get PMS or menstrual cramps but THIS, makes up for all that.
at least PMS and the cramps only go on once a month.
i gotta watch my digestion every day! hahaha.
oh well.
lol.

i suppose i should sleep soon though.
mama's snoring.
i hear her.
hahahaha.

galvin's birthday is tomorrow!
little guy turns three!! :D
fucking fastttt.
haha.
it's gonna be a family weekend- LIKE FINALLY!!!!
and it's exactly what i need.
and i love it.
hearts.
:)

mama's coming homeee. :D

2009-07-24T15:46:00.003+08:00

mama's coming home tonight.
No, actually, she's LEAVING ipoh tonight. meaning, she'll be back early tomorrow morning.
gosh, it's been forever since I last saw her.
omg.
I'm kinda nervous.

so this weekend's galvin's birthdayyy.
little boy turns three.
fucking fast innit?
hahahaa.
oh, and i GOT to get him something cause mama and brother says so.
bloody freaking hell.
I'm fucking broke!
like really.
hahaha.
i've got like what? $4 left in my wallet.
blehh.

hmm, the weird dreams just keep coming.
i dreamt about stephen two nights ago.
like, mama was in the dream too.
she brought a bunch of us to eat at Charco's.
and in my dream, charco's looked different.
so then everyone was eating cept me cause i hadn't even decided what i wanted.
when i finally did queue, that's when i saw him.
stephen.
and i screamedddddd so fucking loud, every one turned to look at me.
but the joy was real.
and i was really, really really happy to see him.
that may have been a dream, but funny as it may seem, that dream made my day.

like okay, stephen may have messed things up a bit.
and i don't wanna get into details cause it involves people other than me and to just publish everything here for the whole world to see is just rude, and an invasion of their privacy.
so anywho, i was pissed at him for everything at happened.
fuck, i remember how much of a fucking mess it was.
when i wasn't at work, i'd be looking after her, either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.
and when i WAS at work, i'd be doing the same for stephen.
having two suicidal people who i really loved and still love in my life at that time made ME wanna kill myself.
lol.
whattttt?

but yeah.
i stayed strong.
then, when they were finally pretty much, past it.
it was my turn to deal with it.
and that's when all the fights started with her.

i did this facebook quiz today...the best friends forever thing. lol.
1. Mad
2. Marisa
3. Sherlyn
4. Dawn.
5. Kiji.

Sherlyn and Kiji hahahahahahahahahaha.
They are awesome people.
But really, I think I'm on their "most hated people" list.
and truthfully, i don't blame them.
i just wished, they'd understand.
but bleh, fuck it.

and i added you on facebook again.
hahaha.
i don't know whyyyyy i did.
but i just did.
bleh.

maybe i have lost all sanity.

single.

2009-07-22T22:25:00.002+08:00

i'm singleeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahahahahaha.
it was great while it lasted though.
and we're still really good friends.
no wait, i think we're better as friends now. :)

funny dreams.

2009-07-22T02:45:00.003+08:00

OH OH OH!
I've been having really really weird dreams recently.
Like, REALLY!

Though, I dreamt of mommy in three consecutive days.
I guess I miss her and I'm pretty excited that's she's coming back after THREE months.
bleh.

She will be leaving on Wednesday though.
Like, next week.
So she won't be here long.
bleh.

Funny dreams though.
Wonder what I'd dream bout tonight.
Gonna sleep to find out. lol.

obsessed. :))

2009-07-22T02:31:00.004+08:00

I didn't go to school today- again. hahahahaha.
I'm on MC for two days! wooohoooo! hahahahaha.
Damn, I've been on MC/LOA A LOT this semester! hahaha.
Buttt, I WILL be going to school tomorrow- for math lecture only.
Bleh. I have two make-up tests to schedule, and study for.

Three more weeks.
Three more weeks and then it's study week.
My first paper's on August 21st, and the last, August 26th.
Four papers.
Breaks in between papers.
I will kick their butts.

Maddy and I hung with Wendy today for a bit. It was uh, pretty cool. Lol.
Maddy got me dinner at Subway! She insisted. Lol.
"Must fair fair." hahahahahaha.
Then, we accompanied Wendy to have HER dinner, at Yoshinoya since she doesn't have a huge preference for subway.
We sent her off after- walked her to the station and off she went!

Thennn, we bumped into JUELZ! hahaha :D
After much persuasion and time spent, we watched OBSESSED! :D
Before that though, we arcaded for a bit.
Yes, I know there's no such word as "arcaded" but I like making up my own words so deal with it. lol.

Okay, so OBSESSED WAS AWESOMEEEEE! hahahaha.
Girlfight of the century! :D

On another note, mommy's FINALLY coming back on Friday!
Actually, she'd prolly only REACH on Saturday morning since her bus is on Friday night.
And yes, it takes that long to get from Ipoh to home.
Sooo, maddy and I are gonna clean up the house tomorrow.
Okay, so maddy's helping me with it. Lol.
Then we're gonna plan out Amy's 21st- I think.
haha.

Anywho, I'm gonna crash cause I'm dead tired.
And yes, cigarettes pump my veins again.
I don't care if it's bad for me.
Frankly, too much of anything is- even water!
So yeah.
Cigs gonna kill me someday?
Bring it.
I ain't afraid of dying yo.
hahahaha.
thug style!

okay, I'm just blabbering randomly now...or rather, typing.
That usually happens when I'm tired or sleepy or bored or pissed off.
Okay, no wait.
It depends what kinda pissed off I am.
If I'm irritated- pissed off, then I'ma bitch.
If it's pissed off-PISSED AS SHIT, then I'd prolly wanna kick someone's ass.

OH, OH, OH.
I just have to add this in because...well, no reason really, it just came to mind.
Spoke to Ryan the other night.
All I can say is, I can't wait for January.
And, not because it's my birthday month.
hahahaha.
That's all i'm saying.

if only satudays lasted longer

2009-07-19T00:16:00.002+08:00

Today was good.
I stayed over Maddy's last night. hahahaha.
it was funnnn.
it always is. :D

so today, we PLANNED on waking up at 11.30.
obviously, that DIDN'T happen. LOL.
we awoke at 2.30pm. wooootttsss. hahahahaha.
we showered, ate- maddy had to wait for me, as usual. hahaha.
thennnn, we lefttttt.

we checked out this place- ice cream chefs.
it was pretty darn awesome.
pretty cheap too.
two scoops for $4.60.
:D

thennn, we went to EAST COAST! like, we walked there.
and, okay, the MOST unexpected thing happened.
like, seriously. hahahaha.
it was soo freaking hilarious, it took a while to sink in.

maddy and I were at a junction, awaiting the traffic light.
I turned, and know who i saw?
MR JEROME!!! hahahahaha.
Okay, he's my lecturer for Transnational Studies, which is officially overrr. :(
hahahahahahaha.
thank God I wasn't smoking then, otherwise, I'd probably have choked to death. hahaha.
blehh.

aight, so that was the day.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the night chilling.

if only saturdays lasted longer.

they mean nothing.

2009-07-14T01:08:00.003+08:00

how do you tell someone to have faith when all of yours have gone?
how do you convince someone to hope when all hope is lost?
how do you love when all you feel is dead?
how do you cry when you can't even feel pain?

what's a smile that doesn't light up your eyes?
what's a home that's vacant all the time?

when the wind blows the dust off the shoes on my feet,
when you'd someday realize just what you mean to me.
when everyone fades away and vacants off your life.
you'll find me standing there, holding on, still trying.

i'm seeing things so clearly now.
everything.
and i feel the change in me.

i don't know how my mother's going to react when she gets back.
but she won't stay too long before she leaves again.
and this apartment will stay as how it is right now.
no voices. no laugher. just sounds.
appliances. tv. keyboard. typing. the guitar. music.
some of the many that could sound.
but my voice, it's lost in the crowd.

if you can hear me, say you do.

come, take me with you.

i find myself alone again.

i'll let the darkness fall over

maybe then, this would finally end.

its amazing how just a year can really, really change you

2009-07-12T23:06:00.005+08:00

funny, this time, last year, i had a completely different outlook on life, religion, drugs, family, friends, people, just to name a few.
now, it feels as if i've evolved into someone else.
in a way, i guess i'm still the same person.
in many other ways though, i feel like i've changed so much.

change; not necessarily in a bad way though.
at least, i don't think it's bad.
and that's all that matters because society may perhaps never see things the way i do.
and neither may you, reader, whoever you are, from whereever you come from.
I may know you.
but i may not too.

i've gotten hit and wounded many times, this past year alone.
perhaps it was all that that changed me.

you know how sometimes shit just fucks right in front of you and messes with your mind and you think it can't get any worse?
then it just blows off in your face and DOES get worse?
hahaha, really fucks you over don't it?

you know what though.
a lot of shit may have happened.
and many things may have messed me up.
but i've got no regrets.
none at all.
because they all brought me to where i am today.
not that this state i'm at is supposedly heaven or close to it, but i've grown so much.
and i've seen so much.
and let me just say that i've seen a lot of shit in this world, even as a child.
i had practically no childhood.
my teenhood was just more shit.
and i remember thinking that that would be it. shit can't fuck up more. life can't get any worse. and then it does. hahaha.
and right now, i'm twenty and i know that all the shit that has ever happened was just the epilogue. chapter one will come soon.

i know somewhere, in another place,that someone may have perhaps been through worse shit than i have.
and is probably far off worse than i am.
for the record, i am greatful for everything i have.
very.

as for the relationship part.
i haven't figured that part out yet.
i know it's unfair to you.
truly, i do.
funny how with kuku i wanted the relationship and all.
so i thought with you, i was ready.
like mad said though, "it's different with everyone jas. different person."
it's like vertical horizon's song, "Everything You Want."

he's everything you want, he's everything you need
he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be
he says all the right things at exactly the right time
but he means nothing to you and you don't know why.

i've been trying though, to feel something.
at first, i thought i did.
i really, really, thought i did.
i was like, "okay! I LIKE DOM! like, really really like him."
apparently, i was so wrong.
because whenever he holds me, i wanna pull away.
whenever he kisses me, it doesn't do anything to me.
nothing at all.
i've been trying to brainwash myself, lol. that's how hard i've been trying.

it's not like i'm thinking of someone else when he kisses me, no.
i'm like telling myself, "okay jas, you like thisss, you like thissss. go on, go onnnnn."
but i can't.
i just can't.
don't get it wrong, he's not a bad kisser. he's pretty good. hahahahaha.
i just....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
he's a great guy.
a really, really, really great guy.

one more person who's gonna end up hating me.
sigh.
you know how bella feels for jacob?
that brotherly feeling?
that's how i feel.

i don't mean to drag twilight into this but that's the only way i know how to put this...in that context.

at first, i thought this would be a good thing.
that this would fix me?
rather, help me get over things.
it hasn't.
and it won't.

i guess i don't regret this with dom though.
yes, i hate doing this to him.
but, at least i finally gave him this chance right?
sigh, he's done nothing wrong though.
maybe someday, i could learn to love him.
i realize though, that i never will.

and that really, really tears me apart.

2009-07-12T12:27:00.003+08:00

and in recent days i've learnt one thing or rather, i'm reminded of one thing

that is,
shit has a way of fucking you up real good when it comes back to fuck you.

know what though?
i don't give a shit.
bring it onnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

just get a gun and blow it to my head already.

2009-07-12T12:11:00.001+08:00

i remember texting you the other day.
i also remember debating in my head whether i should or not for days.
but, finally, i did.
why?
i guess i miss you.
hahahahaha.

fuck.

some weird dream.

2009-07-12T11:47:00.003+08:00

I had the craziest dream earlier or rather, last night.
I reached home at 6ish, and went straight to bed. Didn't feel like doing anything else.

So, okay, the dream.
It involved a random dude and a random hot girl. I have abosolutely no idea who the fuck those people were.
I can't quite recall the details cept the dude drove a mecedes. For the record, he was YOUNGER than me. And when I say younger, I MEAN younger. He looked thirteen or something.
And the girl looked somewhat younger than me, but not too much. Maybe a year or two, max.
Right, so the dude was possibly the worst driver in history. I remember a part though, where he crashed and went over a main pipeline so water was gashing out from everywhere.
Ohh the cops though, they arrived in seconds.
Okay, okay, so it was a dream.
It turned pretty explicit though. That's all I'd say.

I woke up at 10.21 earlier. Felt so fucking stoned.
Still kinda feel that way.
BLEHHH.

maybe i should't have.

2009-07-11T14:38:00.003+08:00

I walked the streets of Dhoby Ghaut/Bugis last night alone.

It was after the dinner with Seetee and Tuty. It was good. I ordered a burger bigger than my face. HAHAHA! Blehh. We dined at Swensens. Compared to all our other outings and dinners, I'd say this was the quietest. For one, I didn't feel so good. Felt that way since I woke up. Thought food would do me good. It just made me feel worse. So, I was pretty quiet. Otherwise...hahahaha.

I was supposed to meet mad after dinner but she was hanging with a friend so I had some time. I was walking into the Cathay when this lady stopped me. I filled out a survey on God. I know, something you don't hear every day right? I can't quite recall the questions. But she was explaining to me some stuff and I just really wanted to leave cause I felt like I was going to pass out. She invited me to the church she attends and I politely declined.

The Cathay. Need I say more? hahahaha. Okay, it's not funny. It was a sarcastic laugh I suppose. Bleh.

Then I walked to Bugis cause I knew that's where I'd meet mad. I sat at Starbucks reading Eclipse- I'm reading the Twilight series all over again.

Sabrina called.

She's back from Australia and her husband's here with her.
She said she's been wanting to talk to me about dom.

"I was reading your blog and I think you're not ready. Jas, I have a feeling you're going to break his heart."
Know what?
I know.
I have that same feeling too.
Do I love him?
No.
Do I like him?
No.
So why am I with him?
I don't know.

I guess, I figured he'd be good for me. I've been a mess since december and I know you don't know. You'd prolly think I'm all happy and all right? Like I've moved on?
Just because I'm in a relationship with someone else and no longer with you, it doesn't mean I've moved on. It doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. It doesn't mean anything.

Sabrina's right. I'm not ready. I know that. I knew that. But I let it happen anyways.
Jasmin, why do you always land yourself in situations like this?
Feels routine now.
Fuck.

So what am I going to do about it?
Nothing.
Why'd I get with him in the first place then?
He said the perfect words. The most perfect words anyone could have ever said to me. And I felt something. Truly, I did. But it wasn't love. It wasn't even a crush. It was just something I felt.
And I've come to realize that I can never fall in love with him no matter how hard I try.

Because that's what I've been doing.
Trying.
But I'm at a point now where I just wanna avoid him.
Funny.

He didn't do or say anything wrong. Well, he pissed me off the other day but it wasn't a big deal really. I just had to be a bitch. This was just eating me from the insaide I guess. It has been eating me from the inside.
I am trying so hard to feel something for him.
Why?
Because he deserves it.
Because maybe I deserve it too?

Being with him, it feels like we've been married for ten years and we're at a point where the relationship's dead. Okay, I know that's not how HE feels.
But that's just how I feel.

I had trouble sleeping last night. When I finally slept, it was four in the morning.

Last night maddy and I started an old habit again and we agreed that it's okay so long as it's under control.
And it is.
:)

Okay, so I'm in school right now. I'm supposed to be coming up with powerpoint slides. Bleh.

Time to get to work.

the end of the one week mc.

2009-07-09T02:03:00.002+08:00

Soooo, today I met the girls- Maddy, Juelz and Wendy, for lunch in celebration of Wendy's and Juelz's birthday. We dined at Sakura, at Republic Poly and all I can say right now is that I am eternally grateful that I haven't sneezed at all.
If you didn't already know, RP has over 100 confirmed cases of swine flu, hence my gratefulness.

Thereafter, we hitched a ride with Wendy, who called a cab, to Causeway Point.
We met Peggy, said hi, and we LEFTTT.
Thennn, we all came back here to my place. :D

THENNNN!
hahaha.
We did a lot of things.
The plan was to dance.
Instead, we watched Russell Peters and videos on dancing and singing, and other stuff on youtube.

It was a good day, and a good night.
:D

NOWWW, my MC ended today.
I have to go back to school tomorrow.
ARGHHHHHH.
PSHTTTT.

bleh, at least I've got something to look forward to.
That's gonna be my drive for tomorrow.

wendy's twenty. :)

2009-07-08T02:52:00.004+08:00

First up, today's Wendy's birthday.
So, to Wendy, who doesn't read my blog, who probably DOESN'T EVEN know my blog address and is one of my close friends:

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY!

You've survived twenty years in this damned world and I wish you many more years to come.
As you officially grow a year older, lets hope your parents give you more leeway so you can hang out with mad and I more for as you know, we are nuctornal creatures and we love the night.
And, and, and, also to hoping that you'd be able to go clubbing with us.
Or at least be able to attend one of our MANY sleepovers.
hahahahahaha.

Okay, okay, be nice.

Maddy and I are taking Wendy to a Japanese restaurant, SAKURA.
I have not been there.
But I've heard the buffets are good.
In fact, I've been thinking about sushi since I woke up.
Whattt?
I'm craving for sushi.
ARGHHHH.
OH OH, and Juelz will be coming too! YAY! Her birthday's around the corner too! :)
Lol.

I went to school today, for approximately two hours- TNS.
It wasn't bad, so it was good. Lol.

And you didn't call or text me today.
The only time I heard from you was at 10.32 this morning, apologizing.
Actually, a part of me's glad you haven't called.
Maybe you don't know what to say.
That's good.
Because I don't know what to say either.
Haha.

I talked to John today.
Yes, that guy I met.
The new guy.
hahahahaha.
No, I'm not going to have a fling.
I'm not cheating on Dom.
And he's not a back-up either.
He's just really great to talk to.
It's random subjects.
I like random subjects.
So blehh.
Do not judge me.

Because we're going to go out to lunch for Wendy's birthday later, I will not be attending the Math lecture.
:(
But, WENDY I'LL DO IT FOR YOU OKAY?!
Also, tomorrow's the last day of my MC.
I'll go to school on Thursday, then it's the weekend, for me at least since I don't have classes on Friday. :D

I feel so bloody awake right now.
Know why?
Cause I haven't taken my medications yet.
Once I do, I'd prolly snooze off to bed because they're drowsy.
I should go take them.
I should do a lot of things that I don't.

Jasmin, you have to stop procrastinating.
Running away won't make things go away.
And shut the voices in your head, you know you'll get in trouble if you listen to them.
You'd probably end up dead too.

BLEHHHH.