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2010
Friday, January 1, 20101/01/2010 12:48:00 PM
It's the New Year, year 2010.
2009 was one heck of a year but it was a damnn good one. To all the peeps I've come to know, anyone I've hurt or offended in any way, I say this, it's a New Year. Let's leave all the shit behind us and make this year a better one. To all I've partied/goofed off with, let's do it more! I don't think I have any resolutions this year, cept one. I'm starting the year right. :) HAPPY NEW YEAR! |
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STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!
Wednesday, December 30, 200912/30/2009 04:52:00 PM
Know something totally absurd? TP is the ONLY school that has lessons this week. ALL OTHER SCHOOLS, and when I say all other schools, I MEAN ALL THE OTHER FUCKING SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTRY- all the other Polys, all the JCs, the Secondary schools, Primary schools. Heck, Nursery even, ARE ON HOLIDAYS.
THEY HAD TO MAKE US COME BACK TO SCHOOL THIS WEEK! OF ALL WEEKS! It's fucking Christmas and New Years!!!! ARGHHHHH. OH OH OH, least we only have to go for half the day tomorrow. So that's two hours for me. BUT IT STILL SUCKS! ARGHHHH. Will someone rich nice fucker please sue the fucking school on the charge of idiocy? hahahaha. |
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unholy confessions.
12/30/2009 01:39:00 AM
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to realize a lot of things.
It's funny how the people you think would never leave, leave and the people who you think you'd never talk to or see again, resurface in your life. It's funny how unintended bonds are formed instantaneously and love that lasts for a lifetime builds ever so quickly. Would I forget the people who's left? Have I fogotten? No. Rather, they remain in my mind and every day, yes, EVERY DAY, I think about them. I wonder bout their well-being and I wonder if they'd ever come back. Last Christmas, I was a mess and I lost myself in the New Year. This Christmas, I spent my time with three girls I absolutely love and adore in different ways; three girls I would take a bullet for. They know who they are and girls, if ya'll are reading this, you know its you. They've come to make me realize just how much I've been burying my head in the past. I've never been good with letting go of things and I've always been a fuck-up but for once, I'm screaming at myself, "JAZ! This isn't YOU! You are BETTER THAN THIS! And YOU KNOW IT! STOP doing this to yourself and STOP pushing the people away!" For once, I don't just want to change for the people I love but I want to change for me. Because I know I deserve better. Because I know that it's about time I treat myself better for that's how I've always been. I'd be nice to the whole fucking world but to me, I'd be the nastiest piece of ass. Don't ask me why, I never knew why. I've done a lot, a lot of things- good and bad. I've seen really fucked up things. I've said really hurtful things. Like I said, I am a fuck-up. But girls, you show me a different side of me. You make me remember this person I once sort of knew...without the beast raging in me, without the anger, without the violence. I don't know if it's ever possible to find innocence again but I know, in my heart, that I've found whatever's little of that innocence, in me again. For once, I want to stop fighting just for the sake of fighting (if anyone messes with the people I love, you know I'd kill that sonofabitch :) ). For once, I want to let go. For once, I'll put my heart out there and put myself on the line because I love ya'll. I guess I always pushed people away to see who'd love me enough to stay, you know? And for once, I'll stop pushing the people I love away and let them see the good...and the bad of me. And to all the people I've pushed away, I am deeply sorry. I guess I'd gotten too used to carrying the weight of the world on my fucking shoulders that I forgot that I'm only human. And being human, I break, I crumble and I feel. Even though that wasn't who I was before, because I never used to feel or cry, this is who I am now. For ever hurtful word I've said, every painful thing I've done, I ask for forgiveness. For once, I want to start the year right, on a clean slate, knowing exactly who I am and what I want. Who I am: -A girl, DUH! -Definitely not straight. -Absolutely gay. :D -A musician. -A math genius. -Yes, an ass. -Totally full of myself at times, hahaha. -Human. And girls, I love you. Thank you. |
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back and exausted.
Monday, November 9, 200911/09/2009 05:40:00 PM
Ipoh was gooodd. haha.
It was nice to see mommy again. She said she'd be back this week but I spoke to her earlier and my intuition was right- she's not gonna be back yet. Oh well. I guess I could tell myself, "I told you so." So I'm at school now, two hours left of it before I can finally evade. Argh. lol. Had a quiz today. Hope I do well. haha. :) I don't really know what else to add. Everything else is pretty much the same. Peggy I got you the mentos, now worship me. hahaha. Kidding. go jump for joy. lol. Bleh. |
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forgotten dreams.
Wednesday, November 4, 200911/04/2009 05:31:00 PM
I spent quality time with myself today. Okay wait, I do that pretty much every day considering the fact that I have the apartment to myself since my mom's not here. Today was different though. I picked up a book after what seems like a lifetime ago and things started falling into place. Funny how the simplest of acts really does it to you sometimes isn't it? Today I remembered my love for writing and reading. It's something I haven't exactly done in a while.
I reckon I've mentioned about the changes that's been going through. My lifestyle, habits, friends and company have all evolved into different, various aspects. In some ways I've let myself down, and in the same way, I've hurt the people I love. I've been trying to pick up the pieces and mend the edges but one can only do so much when the cries and pleas are ignored. And it hurts even more to know that I've been ignored, that the people that once loved me now don't give a shit. To complicate things further (you know, because my life isn't complicated enough [SARCASM]), I still can't figure out what I did. I've been racking through my brains, through every series of events that happened, but nothing flickers. Moreover, I keep questioning but my questions lay unanswered. Whatever I did, I beg for forgiveness. In some way, I have messed things up unknowingly, like how I always tend to do in my life. I'm not going to shout out excuses to justify my case but I will say this: I am only human therefore being human, crazy, messed up and imperfect, I tend to make one too many mistakes. Do not misunderstand my habits as a form of escape. If to escape was what I wanted, I wouldn't be fighting for this. My habits are just a part of this person I've become. I'm far from perfect, but I hope I'm good enough. There's not a day where this evades my mind. It's always there. I may not bring it up or post it, but it's there, all the time. The love I feel will always remain and no, I don't meant this in a gay way. The people I love, I don't replace, because they're irreplaceable- one of a kind. I may hang with a new crowd or discover new friends, but no one is replaced. The people I love, they lay in a special place in my heart unconditionally. I may say things, do things out of angst, rebellion and pure stupidity but think for a minute. Think about why I do it. I just want your attention, not in an attention seeking way but for some show of concern, of love. However stupid it may be, maybe I am stupid enough to do these things. And maybe I'm too much to put up with, or perhaps I'm not worthy enough but if any love still remains, know that I'm here, still waiting for a little love. If it's in you to show some mercy, then another chance is my plea. I don't know what to say or do anymore. Everything that comes out, comes out wrong and I just don't know how to make things right. I'm no good at this, I'm sure you know. You haven't been replaced. You cannot be replaced. Just understand that and know that I need you. I can only hope that you still need me too. I've stayed up crying over this so many times. And now even, in my school library, as I type this out, I tear. For a girl that never used to know how to cry, and still doesn't cry easily, I reckon that says a lot. |
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cut me loose, I can't breathe anymore
Monday, November 2, 200911/02/2009 04:55:00 PM
So I spoke to Ryan last night, haha. He called.
And boyyyy, he really, really fucking surprised me with some of the things he said. Ryan: "How'd you like me to pop the question?" ME: "What question?" HIM: "You know...marriage." ME: "WHATTT?! You're thinking of marriage nowwww?!?! haha, you're not even here yet!" HIM: "Yeahh, but someday you know. Would a text be good? LOL" ME: "NOOOO, you've gotta get down on one knee and ask me. Make me feel special and pampered and lovedd." Okay so then a lot of other things were said. hahaha. He's SUCH AN ASSS! hahahaaha What a fucker. hahahahaha. That was pretty much the highlight of my day andddd talking to Rea. haha. Could I have possibly fallen that quickly? I haven't been serious with anyone lately well cept, you. But things have been cold. We don't talk. I try to talk. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being the one that does everything all the time. I'm just so fucking tired. On another note, I'm still in school. 9-8 today. I've got abouttttt 3 more hours? haha I will survive. I think. Ohh and playing card games with the gang today was totally awesome. haha. Tuty, Qing Qing, Sali and Di. haha. :) Though, I really just wanna go home and heh, you know what. If you don't, ask me. Oh what the hell, alcohol and cigs- yeahh, I'm back on them. Rea's got me on a leash though. haha. Baby, I need you. Gonna be going up to Ipoh this weekend. Leaving here on Thursday, leaveing there on Sunday morning. Bleh. |
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ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friday, October 30, 200910/30/2009 07:01:00 PM
I cried over you today.
You've been so much of a stranger lately. You're busy, I get it. But, we close, so close and now it just feels like I don't know you anymore. I can't take it. I can't take this. It's too much. I've told you once, that I can lose everyone in my life but you. And you said it was the same for you too. I meant it though. Did you? If I could scream everything out loud, If I could beat everyone up, If I could make it all go away, I would for some peace I would, for you to stay. |
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